Thursday, December 12, 2013

Cheer, Goodwill, and Embarrassments: Ms. CrankyPants' Holiday Letter!

Happy holidays, everyone! It's been quite a year! There have been some highlights, and many, MANY embarrassing lowlights, most of which I've shared with you. If you need a refresher, just click here or here. Oh, hell, click on any post in my blog; it's nearly all embarrassing.

Everyone knows that the very BEST holiday letters are all about bragging highlights, so let's get started!
  • I'll just get the biggie out of the way first: I now have 10 followers! It's taken close to a year, but 10 new people actually like me! Or at least, the Ms. CrankyPants version of me. For all you know, I could be a colossal ASS whom you'd hate in real life. (After all, I just used the word "whom.")
Thanks, 10 followers!
  • I haven't had an MS relapse in...ages. Is it the Copaxone? The Swank Diet? Is it because I don't really have MS at all but some other horrible disease? Or, could it be that strange "agreement" I made with the mysterious silver-tongued chap with the red tail and horns who showed up that one night with a contract? Dunno. Whatever. I've been feeling good. (Note: I've just officially jinxed myself.)

He LOOKED friendly enough...

  • Our fantastically wonderful family is growing! The cat-adoption stork brought us a little bundle of joy (LBOJ) named Pepper Anne! 

Pepper Anne, in one of her 4,872,810 adorable poses.
  • Our existing cats hate aren't especially fond of are slowly getting used to our LBOJ!
Capt. Nap: "I can't even look at her. She's HIDEOUS!"
  • In other exciting feline news, Squeaky the Cat just graduated Magna Cat Laude from Big Jerk Cat University and has received her Ph.D. in Cat-Assery. She is so skilled! She can now hiss/growl at Pepper Anne and Capt. Nap WHILE guarding her toys, food, and the communal water bowl. Oh, and also all four litter boxes. She's so talented! We are so, so proud. That tuition money was well spent indeed. 
"Who the hell are you calling a jerk? Cover my head at once, minion!"
  • Capt. Nap is also doing really well! He hasn't had an explosive vomiting session since September. Plus, remember his adorable POO PAWS that so delighted me back in January? He's taught l'il sis Pepper Anne how to actually walk in her poo before burying it. What a good big brother! Now we have two cats with the occasional poo paw. We couldn't be happier! (By the way, who wants to come over and lie on our carpet? First come, first served, friends. There's only so much carpet to go around!)
I call this section of carpet. (Sorry, homeowners get first pick.)
  • Husband is continuing to support me in my efforts to stave off disability via the Swank Diet! He's a wonderful cook! But, really, how can you go wrong with products like TOFURKEY sausage?
OOPS! Wrong picture.
You can see why I got confused.
  • I may have big boobs! Yes, friends, according to a highly trained expert at a local bra shop, I have spent most of my adult life wearing a way-too-tiny bra size. This was some of the best news in all of 2013 for the fabulous CrankyPants family!  
  • Back to our kitty cats! They have really impressed us this year by scorning every single product we've introduced in an attempt to toilet train them. Stubborn little kitties! I do love a cat with his or her own personality! Oh, and not to worry: they've promised to pay us back the $3,176 we spent on ridiculous devices designed to make scooping their litter boxes a task of the past. 
"Kwit the litter? NEVER!"
  • It sure was a great Halloween this year! We managed to significantly reduce the number of trick-or-treaters harassing us! No, it wasn't the unwrapped hard candies or the miniature boxes of ancient raisins we'd been passing out. We suspect it was because our neighbors saw my husband mowing the yard in the snow! "Why, those cat-loving, kid-less people are NUTS!" we think they might have said on the neighborhood shared social media platform that we imagine exists and to which we've not been invited. "I wouldn't send MY kids there this Halloween." Mission accomplished! 
This isn't my husband. I've been forbidden to use that picture. This is the mayor of someplace in Iowa. But you get the idea. And in his defense, my husband was not wearing shorts. 
  • Thanksgiving 2013 was a tremendous success! No four-legged attendees vomited or did a poo anywhere! Pepper Anne jumped on the dining room table and lurched toward the turkey only once! (Maybe twice.) (Okay, fine, thrice.) (And, yes, I just said "thrice.")
We look forward to the new year, new embarrassments, and, ideally, new carpet. May you and yours have a very happy holiday season! 



32 comments:

  1. And to you. And may the detruffelating fairy come to live with you.
    And, the war of the cats, does get better. Mostly. About the time I was wondering whether to give Jazz back the tide turned. And I still have days when I wonder whether it was the right decision.
    He attacked me the other night - because he fell off my partner's lap. So he walked over, gave my legs a stinging rebuke (my blood was involved) and climbed back into the skinny ones lap. Purring.

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    1. If that damn fairy comes to live with me, I will never swear again or think a single rude thought about another human being. Or at least, I'll cut back on both dramatically.

      Oh, Jazz...what a fine reason to attack you, indeed.

      Delete
  2. Count me as a new follower. Cranky and cats in the same blog? I have found my soulmate!

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    1. Hooray! It'll just take a sec to update my Holiday Letter to reflect this news. Thanks!!!

      In checking out your blog, I think, yes, we may be soulmates.

      P.S. Squeaky is asking if she can borrow that machine gun " just for a few minutes." (???)

      Delete
  3. Love this letter!! I'm just mulling over how I can change "cats" to "children" and use the rest of it. Although they are all old enough now that no one has left me any sort of surprise anywhere recently. Laughed out loud at the turkey sausage comparison!

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    1. My Cranky Holiday Letter is your holiday letter! That's how I roll: share the fun and, more importantly, embarrassment.

      The fake sausage is...disturbing. Especially the first, I don't know, 23 times you see/eat it.

      Congrats on no surprises! I had another one this morning: Capt. Nap had something REVOLTING hanging off his tail. I'll leave it at that.

      Delete
  4. Such a nice holiday letter! I'm going to tape my laptop to the closet door where we display all of the other holiday letters!
    Mmm love that sausage.

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    1. I suspect not ONE of your other letters contains so many references to poo.

      Good luck with the laptop-taping!

      Delete
  5. Happy Holidays to you too my dear!
    It's been a privilege to share in your life over the last year and I've laughed out loud/snorted my coffee through my nose at every post.
    Keep making us laugh!
    X

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    1. You too, SIF!

      As long as you don't send me a bill for any coffee-stained clothing, I will do my best to keep you laughing/snorting!

      Delete
  6. yay! for for not having a relapse in ages! :D but booo! to the poo

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  7. am horrified to discover that your comment on my blog ("...but then a bunch of shit happened") was literal - ew.

    thanks for da laffs this year - have a wonderful Christmas

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    1. Oh, YOU'RE horrified...?? Indeed.

      Thanks back at you for da laffs

      Delete
  8. I think I count as a new follower. I don't know how to actually follow you on here in the formal sense, but we do keep planning to come back. So there's that.

    Also, cat-assery may be my new favorite word ever.

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    1. Aw, well thanks. I will be visiting your most-amusing site to watch you do things with your new mouth and hands. Er, that sounds entirely improper, but I know YOU know what I mean.

      Cat-assery is a fine word. And SO appropriate.

      Delete
  9. I am so happy to hear you did not have a relapse. Getting sick is no fun so finding a die that works well for you might be a great option. I hope you stay well.

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    1. Thanks! I am on the Swank Diet [she typed as she polished off a bowl of Fruity Pebbles]; it's supposed to work really well for MS patients.

      Delete
  10. Never question a remission--just enjoy! I have gotten so many sad event Christmas letters this year, yours was a treat, POO AND ALL!

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    1. Sometimes, when I see or think about the POO, I weep. But when I write about it, it seems funnier! (And I don't really weep. I just wanted to say "weep.")

      Thanks for the kind words!

      Delete
  11. Did I miss the bit about why your husband was mowing the lawn in the snow?

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    1. LL Cool Joe, I'm mighty glad you asked. It's because he's stark raving mad. HAHAHAHA. Okay. No, the "real" answer is because we hadn't raked, like, the ENTIRE fall and our lawn was a thick, damp, leafy horror. We worried that the neighbors were Talking About Us. So...in a fit of motivation, my husband decided he'd mow, dammit, before the snowfall. Yeah...like THAT didn't get the neighbors Talking About Us. Good stuff.

      Delete
  12. This is a letter only another blogger could understand. (We are a strange bunch.) Can you imagine what would happen if you mailed it to your friends and family?

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    1. We are pretty strange, which makes it entertaining for sure!

      It's tempting to send it to friends and family, but I might not get invited to holiday meals and such. Or get presents. Better not!

      Delete
  13. I'm one of your 10 followers!!! Yeahhhhhh. I feel special.
    Looove love love your kitty cats. Purrrrr.
    Happy Christmas, Miss Crank. Xxx

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    1. You ARE special! I'm happy to have found you via this wacky blog :)

      A very happy Christmas to you, too.

      p.s. The cats thank you. I love them too (even Squeaky!).

      Delete
  14. Well... this is certainly a fun place. Thanks for visiting my blog. You had me at "Just got our Charlie Brown Christmas tree yesterday. Insta-cheer!", which actually was your entire comment, but still.

    We've had our share of cat adventures and misadventures, and I have no idea what the Swank diet is, but gosh it looks... yummo.

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    1. I've seen your funny comments on others' blogs and thought, "Well, I should go check out HER blog." Happy I did! And thanks for returning the favor.

      The Swank Diet...mmmmm. It's supposed to help me w/ my MS. It also helps me with my appetite, so there's that. HAHAHA.

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  15. Thanks for visiting my blog. A Merry Christmas to you and all your cats. I didn't know it would be possible to mow a lawn covered in snow but there you go - you learn something new every day. Glad to hear the MS isn't troubling you. Funny how we both wrote about poo! xx

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    1. Yes...you can learn a lot of useless things here! Thanks for stopping by.

      Your friend in poo,
      Ms. C-P

      Delete
  16. These blog following numbers are deceptive....I think most of us have "10" followers?? Yay for MS behaving, that is really good news. I have a friend who takes copaxone and done well too. The cat stuff is cute

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    1. Thanks, Kim! I have an MRI next month, so I'll know more then.

      p.s. The cats think they're mighty adorable...

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