Cheer, Goodwill, and Embarrassments: Ms. CrankyPants' Holiday Letter!

Happy holidays, everyone! It's been quite a year! There have been some highlights, and many, MANY embarrassing lowlights, most of which I've shared with you. If you need a refresher, just click here or here. Oh, hell, click on any post in my blog; it's nearly all embarrassing.

Everyone knows that the very BEST holiday letters are all about bragging highlights, so let's get started!

• I'll just get the biggie out of the way first: I now have 10 followers! It's taken close to a year, but 10 new people actually like me! Or at least, the Ms. CrankyPants version of me. For all you know, I could be a colossal ASS whom you'd hate in real life. (After all, I just used the word "whom.")

Thanks, 10 followers!

• I haven't had an MS relapse in...ages. Is it the Copaxone? The Swank Diet? Is it because I don't really have MS at all but some other horrible disease? Or, could it be that strange "agreement" I made with the mysterious silver-tongued chap with the red tail and horns who showed up that one night with a contract? Dunno. Whatever. I've been feeling good. (Note: I've just officially jinxed myself.)

He LOOKED friendly enough...

• Our fantastically wonderful family is growing! The cat-adoption stork brought us a little bundle of joy (LBOJ) named Pepper Anne! 

Pepper Anne, in one of her 4,872,810 adorable poses.

• Our existing cats hate aren't especially fond of are slowly getting used to our LBOJ!

Capt. Nap: "I can't even look at her. She's HIDEOUS!"

• In other exciting feline news, Squeaky the Cat just graduated Magna Cat Laude from Big Jerk Cat University and has received her Ph.D. in Cat-Assery. She is so skilled! She can now hiss/growl at Pepper Anne and Capt. Nap WHILE guarding her toys, food, and the communal water bowl. Oh, and also all four litter boxes. She's so talented! We are so, so proud. That tuition money was well spent indeed. 

"Who the hell are you calling a jerk? Cover my head at once, minion!"

• Capt. Nap is also doing really well! He hasn't had an explosive vomiting session since September. Plus, remember his adorable POO PAWS that so delighted me back in January? He's taught l'il sis Pepper Anne how to actually walk in her poo before burying it. What a good big brother! Now we have two cats with the occasional poo paw. We couldn't be happier! (By the way, who wants to come over and lie on our carpet? First come, first served, friends. There's only so much carpet to go around!)

I call this section of carpet. (Sorry, homeowners get first pick.)

• Husband is continuing to support me in my efforts to stave off disability via the Swank Diet! He's a wonderful cook! But, really, how can you go wrong with products like TOFURKEY sausage?

OOPS! Wrong picture.

You can see why I got confused.

• I may have big boobs! Yes, friends, according to a highly trained expert at a local bra shop, I have spent most of my adult life wearing a way-too-tiny bra size. This was some of the best news in all of 2013 for the fabulous CrankyPants family!  

• Back to our kitty cats! They have really impressed us this year by scorning every single product we've introduced in an attempt to toilet train them. Stubborn little kitties! I do love a cat with his or her own personality! Oh, and not to worry: they've promised to pay us back the $3,176 we spent on ridiculous devices designed to make scooping their litter boxes a task of the past. 

"Kwit the litter? NEVER!"

• It sure was a great Halloween this year! We managed to significantly reduce the number of trick-or-treaters harassing us! No, it wasn't the unwrapped hard candies or the miniature boxes of ancient raisins we'd been passing out. We suspect it was because our neighbors saw my husband mowing the yard in the snow! "Why, those cat-loving, kid-less people are NUTS!" we think they might have said on the neighborhood shared social media platform that we imagine exists and to which we've not been invited. "I wouldn't send MY kids there this Halloween." Mission accomplished! 

This isn't my husband. I've been forbidden to use that picture. This is the mayor of someplace in Iowa. But you get the idea. And in his defense, my husband was not wearing shorts. 

• Thanksgiving 2013 was a tremendous success! No four-legged attendees vomited or did a poo anywhere! Pepper Anne jumped on the dining room table and lurched toward the turkey only once! (Maybe twice.) (Okay, fine, thrice.) (And, yes, I just said "thrice.")

We look forward to the new year, new embarrassments, and, ideally, new carpet. May you and yours have a very happy holiday season! 

"Poo Paws": Capt. Nap's Cure for Fatigue

Oh, Captain Nap.

"What?" 

This is Napoleon (of recent "Thank You for Vomiting, Napoleon" fame). He's saved the day again! You'll recall, I have him to thank for feeling too ill to eat a bag full of Butterfingers. This morning, he cured my fatigue! Clearly, this cat is an MS miracle waiting to be discovered by the medical community. Here's what happened:

I had just had my Dr. Swank-approved breakfast (the same as yesterday; I'm a creature of habit/too lazy to be creative at 7:30 a.m.) and went upstairs to do...something important, I'm sure. There was Capt. Nap, curled up on my bed, cute as can be. He stretched and rolled over upon seeing me, even letting out a small meow as if to say, "Hi! Come lie down for a sec. You look like you could use a rest." (I know that's a lot to interpret from a small meow, but you'll have to trust me on this.)

Because I didn't want to be rude, I hopped on top of the bed and curled up next to the good captain. As I was lying there, I began to notice a strange, unpleasant smell.

"Hmmm," I thought. "Could I have a brain tumor?"

How else to explain this out-of-nowhere smell? Let's check in with our friend Napoleon. He had begun flexing his paws in that adorable way cats have when they are super-content, and as I was about 1.2 millimeters from said paws, I noticed something on those charming little appendages. Something that looked like...POO. Yes, friends, Capt. Nap had "poo paws" (PPs).

Despite recent, published evidence to the contrary, Napoleon is not a disgusting cat. These incidents have been aberrations. He's really quite neat and tidy. The reason for this story is to illustrate how he cured my fatigue. See, I reared back from the PPs and seized (gently) the cat. I marched (carefully) downstairs and proceeded to wipe off the offending appendages, for which he was enormously grateful. I then stuffed the bedding, pillows, and clothes I was wearing straight into the washer. After all of this, my fatigue and any thoughts of napping had vanished. My little MS miracle cat, Napoleon! He doesn't know it, but he's helping me.

As for my diet (sorry for getting sidetracked), yesterday was another Day of Success!!!! In addition to the already-mentioned breakfast, I had 2 toasted crumpets with 4 teaspoons of peanut butter (Smuckers' all-natural variety, because it was the only one I could find that didn't have hydrogenated oils), plus a few random snacks, such as a banana and some grapes. For dinner, I tried Pistou, from the Swank Diet Book. Pistou, apparently, is the French version of pesto. It had, among other things, potato, carrots, onion, pasta, zucchini...all in all, another simple-to-make and tasty-to-eat dinner. The recipe made 8 servings, so we'll  be having that again tonight.

So far, today is shaping up to be Day 3 of successful dieting. For breakfast, you'll be astonished to learn, I had the SAME DAMN THING I had on Days 1 and 2. For lunch, well, 7 Triscuits and smoked salmon, plus, um, 2 toasted crumpets and peanut butter. At least I'm consistent. Dull, but consistent.