Toilet Training (Cat Edition)

If you have a cat, you know this to be true: cleaning a litter box sucks. Tremendously. If you don't have a cat, you can say smugly to the dog panting at your feet, "Yep! Yet ANOTHER reason why I do not have a cat. Isn't that right, Spot? You don't make icky messes that Mommy has to clean out of a disgusting box in the house, do you? No you don't, little Smoochie Spottums!" Never mind that Smoochie Spottums makes messes that you are, in theory, supposed to collect in a little baggie attached to your hand. But wait! Before anyone gets up in arms, this is not a cats vs. dogs post. I've had the pleasure of sharing my life with both species, and each has its considerable charms. No, this is a post about How to Train Your Cat to Use a New, Exciting Type of Litter Box (alternate title: HAHAHAHAHA, Dumb Human).

I've had the distinct (sooooooo tempting to make a "stink" joke here) pleasure of scooping litter boxes for several years now. My cats are indoor only, so I can't thrust them into the neighbors' flower beds and hope they'll relieve themselves there. Not that I would want them to, mind you, that's just kind of what I picture outdoor cats doing. In case you did not know, there are several exciting choices when it comes to litter boxes. Allow me to illustrate:

Okay, sorry, this is NOT one of the exciting choices referred to above. It's a standard old litter box. It's to be used as a frame of reference as I get to the truly Exciting Choices.  

I don't know where I heard of Exciting Choice #1, THE LITTER KWITTER, but let me say I was immediately delighted by the enormously clever title. (I also love anything made with "krab" and all things sold in "shoppes.") So I ponied up the $50 in the hopes that, as promised on the box, I would soon  -- "EIGHT WEEKS OR LESS!" -- be smell, mess, and germ free!  (Well, technically, *I* might still be smelly and germy, but you know what I mean.)

That cat totally is like, "What the *(&$ are YOU looking at? Are you actually watching me go to the bathroom? What kind of a creep are you?! See my left paw? I am two seconds away from scratching out your creepy prying eyes!!!"

For $50, you don't get just the LITTER KWITTER, you also get a training DVD! My husband and I settled in eagerly to watch how this device would transform our cats from dull, ordinary litter-box-using cats into ultra-clever toilet-using cats. The way this little gem works in theory is through a system of rings placed at different training stages into a toilet-shaped bowl. Er, see, in Stage 1, you place the adorably toilet-shaped bowl on the floor, and insert the first of three rings. This stage is designed to get the cats used to going into the the bowl. A rather shallow bowl. A bowl that is far shallower than the good old-fashioned box they've been using. The cats and I didn't make it past Stage 1. (For the benefit of those who don't have cats: when cats do a wee or a poo, they bury it, sometimes with great vigor. A normal litter box, with its tall sides, contains forcefully buried "business" quite well. The LITTER KWITTER, with its stupid shallow bowl, does not.) I promptly kwit the kwitter.

Sadder but wiser, I resigned myself...OH, WAIT! No I didn't! Undeterred and, apparently, flush with cash (haha, "flush") I shelled out even more money for Exciting Choice #2 (haha, "#2"), the CAT GENIE. No silly rings and toilet training. No, sir! This system promised to be far superior. This setup has deep bowl (see "wiser," above) and, even better, attaches via some complicated-looking nonsense that I let my husband deal with to the plumbing. Instead of ordinary litter, you fill the bowl with washable granules that, after your cat has soiled them, are sifted and cleaned by some complicated-sounding process I didn't pay much attention to. All I cared about was that, in theory, the CAT GENIE would spare me the odious task of scooping once and for all.

This annoyed-looking cat that I suspect has been Photoshopped into the Cat Genie is not mine. This image is from the Cat Genie website. Wanna know why I can't use an original picture? Because mine won't get in it! 

Maybe it's called Cat "GENIE" because if there was a genie floating around, you'd have to waste (haha, "waste") one of your precious three wishes to get your cat to use this thing. As you can see from the picture above, even the creators couldn't find an actual cat that will get in it. At least they chose an irritated cat (note the flattened ears and frowny face) to Photoshop into the device. So that's pretty accurate.

My cats were both irritated and alarmed by the Cat Genie. I vaguely recall that the instructions say you shouldn't turn it on at first while they're in the room, but I ignored that and did a test wash while they peered around me curiously. Once that baby kicked in and started whirring and clacking, the cats tore away in a panic. So, technically, it's probably my fault that now, about a year later, only Capt. Nap will use it -- rarely. Squeaky avoids it altogether.

I refuse to give up hope, though. If I can get them to use it, life certainly would be easier. I've rededicated myself to "training" them, this time following the instructions to the letter. The results so far have been...not so encouraging. But it's been only a week. I know Capt. Nappy Sweetiekins and SqueakyWeekie Cutiepie can do it for Mommy! Can't you, my wittle kitties?

"Hey! Go away! Can't we have a little privacy? We're trying to go to the bathroom!"