Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Why I May Be Suing Somebody

I woke up Sunday with a horrific neckache.

"What's the hell?" I wondered crankily, as I staggered to the bathroom to attend to bidness and brush my teeth. Four possibilities came to mind immediately:

  1. Meningitis
  2. Neck cancer
  3. MS flareup
  4. Slept funny

I was pretty sure it was one of the first two, but I wasn't going to rule out #3 or #4 immediately. I'd mull it over while having some coffee.

First there was cat bidness to deal with. LOTS of it. Who the hell decided three cats was a good idea? So, yeah, feeding, scooping litter, medicating...crap. By the time I was done, I was ready for a good sit-down.

Coffee in hand, I settled down on the couch. Ahhhhh. Better. Wait! What's this? Why, it's my laptop, positioned just how I left it (on top of a box containing a puzzle that I thought my husband and I could do as a wholesome alternative to watching TV). I looked around guiltily. Oh, that's right! Husband is out of town!!

"Well, what's the harm, really?" I said to myself reassuringly. "I mean, one or two more episodes isn't such a big deal."

Capt. Nap was sprawled out in the middle of the floor, vigorously cleaning his butt.

"STOP JUDGING ME!" I shouted. "I CAN QUIT ANYTIME I WANT!"

He paused for a second, glanced at me, and resumed cleaning.

"Whatever," I mumbled, and lurched forward to turn on my laptop and continue my "Breaking Bad" marathon on Netflix.

Mid-lurch I stopped in agony. Was the meningitis getting worse? What WAS this horrible pain?? Did I need to go to Urgent Care? I gritted my teeth and turned on my laptop. Once the show began, I sank back into the couch. My neck throbbed. I could not get into a comfortable position. It was totally interfering with my enjoyment of the show. I thought back to yesterday; what had I done?

  1. Woke up
  2. Cat bidness
  3. "Breaking Bad" (begin Season 1)
  4. Showered
  5. More "Breaking Bad"
  6. Lunch
  7. "Breaking Bad" (begin Season 2)
  8. Cat bidness
  9. Dinner
  10. "Breaking Bad" (finish Season 2)
  11. Well-earned sleep

See! Nothing strenuous -- unless it was taking care of those damn cats. Maybe I twisted my neck trying to scoop one of the four (4), YES, FOUR, litterboxes? Hmmmm. This was a mystery. I slumped into a slightly different position on the couch, cursing and trying to keep my head in a position where I could see the show on my laptop. A very small lightbulb (like, nightlight-size) sputtered on.

"Now wait just a darn minute," I mused. "Could it be...?"

Could it be that the HOURS I'd spent the previous day hunched on the couch watching "Breaking Bad" had caused my horrific neck pain? Only one way to find out! I sprang off the couch to do some stretching exercises and then go outside for invigorating fresh air.

HAHAHAHAHA!

No, I didn't. I peeled myself off the couch, shuffled upstairs without moving my neck for a mega-dose of Aleve, and continued my disgusting "Breaking Bad" marathon. This time, though. I added another wholesome and unopened puzzle to my "laptop stand." Within an hour, I was feeling better -- and making an impressive dent in Season 3!

If any among you are lawyers (or if you've watched a lot of legal shows on TV), can you please advise me? I believe I *may* have a case against "Breaking Bad" and/or Netflix for mental anguish and...physical torment (?). I easily could wear one of those neck-brace thingys, if that would bolster my case.


35 comments:

  1. Well just too funny. Over here we, too, are catching up with Popular Culture (ok, we have a LOT of catching up to do) & yours truly has watched 2.5 episodes of Breaking Bad recently! Great minds & all that. Note: 2.5 episodes, not back-to-back, is perfectly safe for the neck. No problems on this end. MK

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    1. Yay to Popular Culture! It is a mighty good show. I think I would feel worse if it was, say, "Real Housewives of Wherever" that I watched for hours on end. (No offense to anyone who watches RHOW.)

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  2. I've heard so much about this show, but have not watched even ONE episode (Walking Dead addict myself).

    I'm not a lawyer, but I used to teach law students. I'd say you have a case against the jigsaw puzzle people.

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    1. Abby, thanks so much for the suggestion. I'll add them to my List of People to Maybe Sue.

      I also love Walking Dead. Everything is on that stupid winter break, so I tried this show.. Pretty darn good...

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  3. You. Crack. Me. Up!!!

    HEY, perhaps Walter strangled you in the middle of the night.

    He's been known to do that!

    Xxxx LOVE for you in 2014 & always.

    Kiss the Cats for me.

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    1. Hmmm, you may be on to something re: Walter. Will consider filing a police report in addition to my lawsuit.

      Love to you in 2014 and beyond as well!

      I did actually kiss the nearest kitty for you; the others were away plotting my demise or something.

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  4. I have a old book that I found second hand called, "First Aid for Hypochondriacs". The first page says something along the line of "...unless you think it is cancer, you are not a hypochondriac and this book its not for you." I would definitely add ANY neck pain to be meningitis to that. Headaches are encephalitis.

    This post made me laugh out loud. So, thank you for that. xo


    ✦✧✦╗╔╔╗╔╗╔╗╗╔─╔╗╔╗╗╦╔─╗╔╔╗╔╗╔╗║✧✦✧
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    ✦✧✦╝╚╩╩╩─╩─╚╝─╝╚╚╝╚╩╝─╚╝╚╝╩╩╩─═✧✦✧

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    1. Birdie, that book sounds hilarious! My sister gave me one by Gene Weingarten called "The Hypochondriac's Guide to Life. And Death." I thought it would be funny...and I'm sure it was, but as soon as I started reading about tests you could do yourself to find out if you had, e.g., a brain tumor, I stopped reading!

      That said, my GOD, I never considered encephalitis. What kind of half-assed hypochondriac am I??

      So glad the post made you laugh. I wish you a very happy new year!!

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  5. havent watched it yet, want to but opinion is split on it. half of the people i talk to love it, the other half say its boring

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    1. Well, I'm sure I have a very low bar for entertainment (if it contains the word "poo" I will laugh), but I think this show is really well done. I'll be interested to know if you end up watching it!

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  6. Oh sue them all. And anyone else who crosses your path. You could include cat food manufacturers because of the weighty remnants they force you to haul...
    And a happy New Year.

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    1. DAMN STRAIGHT, Elephant's Child! Damn straight. Not to mention the litter people. Somehow, I am sure they're to blame for yesterday's Incident: I came home after work to find one of the litter boxes had somehow ejected half of its contents onto the rug next to it. I suspect the robust Capt. Nap stood on the edge of the box and tipped it over. You can imagine my surprise and delight! So I'll work up some kind of suit against the litter people. I mean, really, can't they make that shit stay in the box? (Sorry, pun intended.)

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  7. I think you have a case against the felines. Face it, we all do. Damn, I thought I was pitiable with TWO litter boxes...if they weren't so fucking clever, I wouldn't be their slave. Really.

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    1. Good LORD, you are right, RK! Problem (BIG problem) is, I happen to know they have no damn money. In fact, they owe me approximately $73,876, so I'm not sure what a lawsuit against them will accomplish. Maybe just scare them into behaving? I'll ponder this. Thanks.

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  8. Oh dear. A headache of unknown origin. Might I suggest that you place your laptop on a table and sit on a chair while watching the rest of Breaking Bad? I, too, watch (too) much TV, but I do it sitting up, and the only thing that gets tired of it is my butt! No headaches for me.

    Best to you in 2014!! Happy New Year!!!


    P.S. I can't wait for the return of The Walking Dead! I recently finished Homeland, and am now embarking on Covert Affairs at the suggestion of my husband. Also recomment Downton Abbey and The Paradise.

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    1. Excellent tips, Webster! Both the seating/laptop arrangement and the shows! Of course, that Weekend of Debuachery will not be repeated, but IF it did, I would try different configurations. :)

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    2. Oh - and happy 2014 to you too!!

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  9. I think you absolutely have a case. Would you consider a class action and include my son in this? I don't think I saw him for several weeks while he watched every single episode (because of course all his friends had seen it).
    Although I wasn't very happy about it, it was probably the most effective anti-drugs message he has received, so every cloud. He now has the Breaking Bad calendar too. Sigh.
    Happy new year!!!
    X

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    1. SIF, for you and The Teenager I will indeed consider a class action suit.

      It is a good drug deterrent, for sure! Not sure I'm quite ready for the calendar...maybe after I finish the series, LOL.

      Happy new year to you too!

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  10. Dang! You must be scooping kitty litter by the shovel full! Probably wretched your whole spinal column, which is now leaking fluid like the radiator of a Chevy Cavalier.

    Your life has become Breaking Bad. You'll be selling tofu-based meth under the guise of "Dr. Swank" any day now.

    My best to you & yours for a swift recovery in 2014.

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    1. Sock, my spinal column is for sure ruined. I'll add that to the neck trauma...should be able to get more $$ that way when I sue people.

      HAHA - yep, I do believe you are on to something. "Dr. Swank" has an ominous ring, doesn't it?

      Thanks - my best to you and yours!

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  11. Hope you feel better now that it is 2014. ....yes I get all kind of aches from watching tv all day.....glad it was not meningitis :)

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    1. Kim, I am feeling better, thanks! Probably because I haven't hunched in front of the laptop for several days :)

      I, too, am glad it wasn't meningitis!! (YET)

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  12. The vision of the cat cleaning his butt made me think of how my 18 year old daughter lets our dog lick her face which veers onto her lips sometimes. Ewww... The face, hmmm... but NOT the lips!

    No series addiction here, but I did have a fling with series 1 of Downton Abbey last year. Maybe I'll try year 2, soon.

    I'm here from Abby's place. Hope to stop by again. :)

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    1. Hi, Anita! Yes, it's best to not think of pets' mouths when they are anywhere near your face. Or, in the case of cats, their paws. Also gross.

      Heard great things about Downton Abbey. May have to investigate it on Netflix...

      Thanks for stopping by!

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  13. Reminds me of the time both my husband and I awoke stricken with new pains. What the...? Then it dawned on us. We'd spent the previous evening watching TV 5 hours straight.

    I confess to trying to suppress a twinge of schadenfreude. I'm no longer the only sucker to have succumbed to the charms of a third cat! Four boxes here too--one of which is upstairs. The two older cats are both on medication that requires pill splitters and patient coaxing even when I'm very, very tired and don't feel particularly patient. What we do for love (she types, just as Steve, cat #3, has almost brought down a very large potted plant during an attempt at indoor "tree climbing." Little darling.) That's why they are designed with such sweet faces and knowing to automatically tilt the head at just the right scientifically calculated cute angle meant to ensure that instead of strangling them, we feel compelled to feed them gourmet cat food.

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    1. Ellen, SO glad you can relate. It's always nicer when it happens to someone else too. Misery loves company and all that...

      And...on that note, yes, we are big fat suckers with four damn litter boxes and calming medication to dispense and a houseful of toys that the cats roundly scorn in favor of bits of paper (i.e., TRASH). Oh! And gourmet food, yep. Capt. Nap has "issues" and can eat only hypoallergenic (AKA, expensive) food. Sigh. Little darlings indeed!

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    2. We also buy expensive dust-free cat litter (non-scoopable), 10 bags at a time. This is for Dominic who is severely asthmatic. So… does he actually use the expensive asthma-friendly litter? Beats me. When he's not killing my houseplants using them when I'm not looking, he's using the toilet, with perfect aim. (Yeah… sorry to rub it in. We didn't buy any gizmos nor did we teach him.)

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    3. How'd you like to trade Dominic for, say, Squeaky? I'll sweeten the pot with a Cat Genie AND the Litter Kwitter.

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  14. I'm a pretty fit guy who loves to work out and stay healthy. But nothing can remind me just how pathetic the human body is quite like watching a TV marathon while sitting in the slightly wrong position, and then lumbering around like Frankenstein with a cricked neck the following day, just completely useless and in pain.

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    1. Which is why, I submit, that it's important to TRAIN your body for this type of marathon, much as an athlete trains for a...race or whatever.

      p.s. "Lumbering" is one of my favorite words.

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  15. I never heard of this show until the sudden hoopla over the final episode. We started watching on Sundance Channel Monday 11-1 two episodes each week. Could not stand the suspense and bought 6 season DVD set and Mrs. C and I have also been doing a marathon...just finished today. GREAT SHOW!!

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    1. Yeah, I didn't really get the appeal...until I watched it! Now my husband just needs to go out of town again so I can watch the rest of the show!

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  16. Lol. I usually cannot sit and watch for so long. I would go crazy. I am a one show at a time kind of girl. I hope you enjoyed watching the show though. I know many people who tell me it is great.

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    1. It's totally embarrassing that I have this ability. (Although "ability" implies some kind of talent or effort...which *clearly* extended TV-watching has nothing to do with.) That said, I did enjoy it! May watch the rest of it in smaller doses, though :)

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