Wednesday, July 24, 2013

A Royal Pain in the A$$

Okay, I've had it. Had it with celebrity pregnancy speculation ("Jennifer Aniston Walked Past a Baby Store Once Last Month: Is She Expecting??!!"); post-pregnancy shockers ("HOT Mama: How Kim Kardashian Lost 42 Pounds in 10 Minutes!"); and, to me, the worst offender: the baby-bump pictures ("LookyLoo, Potential Celebrity Stalkers! Reese Witherspoon's BABY BUMP!"). I'm sick of the expression baby bump for sure (let's see how many times I can use it in this post, shall we?), and the pictures of the baby bumps just seem a little creepy. Maybe it's just me. Oh, it is? You like baby bumps? Fine.

Anyone else sick of hearing about the royal baby? No? Crap. Come on...not even a little bit? No? You were one of the 345,987,482 people waiting with bated breath to learn his name? Sadly, it wasn't one of the super-clever names celebrities have chosen, such as North West. Or Brooklyn, Harper, Romeo, or Cruz. Not Jesse James or Justice. Neither Ptolemy nor Winter. Not Blanket! Not Banjo! Yeah, you get the point. Turns out it was something appropriately staid and regal: George. Zzzzzzzzzz! How much more exciting if the little chap were named something outrageous, like the celebrity spawn above. Prince would have been amusing. Elvis? (You know, "The King"?) Dumbledore? He's pretty badass, and, you know, a WIZARD, so that's sorta close to royalty, isn't it? Kings and wizards were always running around in the olden days fighting dragons, etc.

Perhaps I really am the lone crankypants who's already annoyed at the hubbub surrounding the newest member of the royal family. What's the big deal, anyway? He'll have royal nannies and governesses, and tutors to teach him his maths, and cricket coaches, and servants to bring him his crisps and ginger beer. ("Oi! Fetch me another bag of crisps, you cow! Pip pip!") That's kind of how I imagine it going, anyway.

Meanwhile, I will Keep Cranky and Carry On raising my kids cats. I can hear you scoffing from here. HEY! I'll have you know raising well-mannered, thoughtful, and smart cats is every bit as challenging as raising kids. Especially royal kids. I'm raising them without the help of nannies and tutors and cricket coaches. When my cats look at me imperiously as if to say, "Oi! Fetch me another can of tuna, you cow! Pip pip!" they aren't rudely addressing some servant, they're talking to ME, their doting mommy. Below are four other ways babies are infinitely easier than cats:

"Oi! Fetch us something to eat! At once!"
1. Bathing a wee baby is fun! Look how he giggles and splashes around. Awwww...so sweet, so adorable. Now he's blinking up at you in wonder. Your heart swells. Just try that with your kitty kids. There's a lot less sweet and adorable and a lot more screeching, scratching, and wrestling furiously. Plus, bucking, thrashing, and more scratching. Yeah, not so easy. 

2. Changing a wee baby's diaper. Okay, maybe not the MOST fun of parenting duties (haha, doodies!), but often there's cooing and more blinking-in-wonder business. Not so when dealing with the cats' "business." There's filthy, gritty litter underfoot, horrific odors, the cat who insists on waiting until the box is clean before trotting in and soiling it immediately.

3. Baby clothes. Is there anything more adorable? Yes! There is! Cat clothes! But will my cats wear the sweet little outfits I buy them? NO! There's squirming and mewling and chasing and hiding... Just once I'd like to see one of my precious little kitties wear the jaunty bonnet, cape, and booties I bought them. Sigh. I guess I'll have to look at pictures of my niece and nephew in their adorable little clothes instead.

4. Oopsie! Did that little baby just spit up? Oh, it's all over his bib and my new shirt and in my hair. That's okay! Look at him blinking in wonder. Nothing gross about baby puke spit up (have you noticed it's always spit up, never puke or vomit?)! But the cats? Different story. First there's a fleeting, bug-eyed look of unease. That's swiftly followed by a lurching onto the nearest carpet or piece of furniture. Then the hunched back. And then the heaving and retching. No time for mommy to grab a towel or toss the kitty onto a tile floor. Nope! There's the hairball, surrounded by barely ingested food. Off marches the cat, leaving you scrubbing and cursing in his wake. Plenty gross about hairballs and cat puke.

Friends, I rest my case. As I've so clearly demonstrated with excellent case studies and scientifically based, empirical, ummm, peer-reviewed evidence, raising cats is a royal pain in the a$$. Raising kids, especially with 'round-the-clock help from the cricket coach and the governess? Piece of cake!

22 comments:

  1. On the other hand your cats and my cats and almost every cat is much, much cuter than almost every baby. Particularly spoilt royal babies. And while my cats have some less than desirable habits they don't need my credit card, a car, or get drunk and get chased by the papparazzi.
    Mind you I would (often) like to have a cat wrangler in the house to deal with the UDOs (Unidentified Disgusting Objects) before I step out of bed into a freshly laid one.

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    1. Too right, EC! Although I'm pretty sure with all the posts I do featuring Capt. Nap and Squeaky, once my blog GOES VIRAL (as it's bound to do at any instant), the paparazzi will, indeed, be chasing after my adorable widdle kitties! Tee hee.

      If you ever find a cat wrangler to handle UDOs, please let me know! I'd like one too! Husband tends to develop mysterious blind spots when UDOs are present. ("Huh? No, I didn't see that --insert something gross here-- in the middle of the carpet. Sorry!")

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  2. I was hoping htey would name him Nigel......

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    1. That would have been a fine choice indeed. Maybe for Baby #2?

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  3. i so sick of hearing about this sprog, would like real news when i go to a news site :/ good for them, they slept together, and did what women have been doing for thousands of years. to me, this isn't news

    i have lots of scars on my arms from trying to wash my cat years ago, he was a viscous creature tho. would latch on to someone's ankles and not let go. if it wasnt for the amusement factor of him brining in live mice and my mother freaking out, trying to climb on the counters to get away, he would have been a barn cat, never inside :p

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    1. At least we won't hearing about her BABY BUMP any more, but I expect there'll soon be far too much space devoted to how she's dropped all that baby weight!!!!!!!

      Full disclosure (just to you): I've never actually bathed a cat. Your scars, though, tell me I'm wise to have not attempted this. Your mom on the counters does sound amusing!!

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    2. actually, news sites are talking about the after bump :/

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    3. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [gouging my eyes out]

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  4. I'm with you on that one. The whole coverage did my head in. Yup, baby's kind of cute and will our future king in around 200 years, if we're not yet a republic by then. But enough already.
    Cats are far, far better.
    x
    p.s. I would have preferred Alexander George, rather than George Alexander. Just sayin'.

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    1. I knew I could count on your support, SIF! I'm sure Dora chafes at being forced to wear kitty clothes too? (Honestly, though, you'd think a CAPE wouldn't be too much to ask. It's not as if I'm trying to force a tuxedo on them.)

      Alexander George is better! Why weren't we consulted?

      p.s. Hope it's entirely clear I'm kidding about trying to stuff my cats into capes, booties, etc.? Would be funny, though...

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  5. It's a much better name - more modern. I'm just jealous the little baby is already richer than I will ever be, meh.
    On the subject of ahem, clothes for kitties, I would love it if Dora would wear some welly boots in the autumn, for kicking through the leaves with. Would be too cute.
    x

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    1. You know, if you can get Dora to wear welly boots and kick through the leaves, you would be a very rich woman!

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  6. I am so Sick of seeing the press about babies...there are a few more important things going on in the world...than to spend countless hours covering 1 baby

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    1. Oh, I don't know...what could POSSIBLY be more important??!! Ha.

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  7. Baby bump. Hate it. Sounds like they're talking about tumors.

    Dumb asses.

    On the other hand, I adore your kitty kats! Meooooow. Xx

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    1. Yes! A fellow "baby-bump" hater! Thank you. I hadn't thought of it in tumor terms, but knowing me (certified hypochondriac) I should have. An upsetting lapse.

      Those cats are darn cute, aren't they? I say this as Capt. Nap is - AS I TYPE - eating his own vomit.

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  8. Personally, I would rather hear about the royal baby bump than the Kartrashian baby bump any day.

    My Mrs. is in England now and she says the royal baby isn't that big of a story over there. It seems here in the US, we are fascinated with the royals. I mean, can you blame us, the Queen is so warm & outgoing...and Charles is like a male model!


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    1. I've heard that too -- that Americans are more gaga about it.

      Charles really is dreamy. If only Camilla hadn't snapped him up...sigh.

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  9. You bathe your cats????!!!!! Wow - I barely bathe my children, in fact the other day my 9 year old girl (who is a bit of a soap dodger) actually asked me if she could have a shower because apparently it had been days since her last bath.

    I quite like the royals but the coverage was ridiculous. I felt a bit sorry for Wills having to fit the child seat in the car for the first time under the full glare of the world's media - I am almost certain he didn't do it right. Prince George will probably get a bath every day though, so who am I to judge?

    V. funny post xxx

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    1. The things I'll say for a cheap laugh...no, I don't bathe my cats, although my husband has proposed it several times. I always say: Go for it! He's never: Gone for it!

      I can't imagine the scrutiny. But we can be consoled by the Royal Baby Washers; they're bound to do it correctly.

      p.s. I was a soap/shampoo dodger myself from about age 12 - 14. Quite a little pig, I was. It's encouraging that your daughter is asking for showers!

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  10. As I've said to the staff at the pet store when I go to pick up another two weeks' worth of custom-ordered expensive litter for our asthmatic Dominic who can't tolerate anything else, it's still less expensive than college tuition!

    And I'll bet human babies don't vomit rat parts either. Cats are so clever.

    The rat up-chucker was a huge, sweet long-haired orange and white cat named Damon (long since gone from old age). A couple of times we had to give him a bath, because his long hair at the rear got nasty. As he shredded our arms into bloodied strips and kicked water all over us and the bathroom, he wailed and howled in a voice meant to let the neighbors know they should quickly call the ASPCA. What kids can do, cats can do better.

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