Monday, December 28, 2015

I'm Bringing Cranky Back (Yeah!)

In case the semi-relevant pop culture reference escaped you, I'm alluding to the song "I'm Bringing Sexy Back" by Justin Timberlake in my title.

Oh, dear. That's embarrassing. I just looked up the title, and it's actually "SexyBack." There goes my attempt to be hip. HAHAHAHA, little has changed, old friends! I'm as awkward as ever. (Note to self: Stop trying to be cool. Word.)

So the holidays have made me think about:

  1. Being cranky
  2. Jesus

I thought I'd have more items on that list, but that about sums it up. Being cranky is self-explanatory. The second item refers not to Jesus in the traditional, nice sense. It refers to the number of times I've said or thought, "JESUS H. CHRIST, this sucks."

"This" could refer to:
  1. Receiving a crappy present
  2. Remembering I forgot to was too lazy to send Christmas cards (again)
  3. Getting a Warm and Fuzzy holiday letter
  4. Cleaning Capt. Nap's butt 

Remember this guy?
"Hey! I'm rubbing my butt on your clean clothes! LOL!"
In 2015 (this would have been a Notable Achievement in my Warm and Fuzzy holiday letter), Captain Nap gained 4 freaking pounds. That's right! Now he's too fat to reach his butt! So I have the distinct (get it? Stink?) pleasure of using minuscule wipes (like, slightly larger than a half-dollar) to wash it for him. Oh, and to add to the fun, Squeaky finds his dirty anus repellent, and she lets everyone know by hissing and lunging at him constantly.

"You just stay up in your drawer, you nauseating creature."
So many good times. Captain Nap is on a diet; fear not, animal-loving friends. I want to get my enormous pal healthy STAT (and not just because I don't want to be on butt detail for any longer than is absolutely necessary) (I swear).

I'm going to keep this post short and sweet. I'm out of practice. And I don't know if anyone still reads it. Plus, now that I've covered POO, I'm all out of topics. Told you little has changed.

XOXO,
Ms. CrankyPants



25 comments:

  1. Proof that Santa DOES exist! My Christmas wish has been answered!

    Don't be a stranger… xxx

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  2. Steve Domino! If that was your Christmas wish...well, you are easily pleased! But I'm happy you are still out there.

    xxx

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  3. Hey, Ms. Cranky Pants.
    Missed you.
    Love your kitty cats in the dresser drawers! MEOWWW

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    Replies
    1. My Inner Chick - I didn't realize how much I missed you guys, too. Thanks for checking in. (I love the cats in the drawers when they are, ah, cleaner.)

      Delete
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  5. Woo Hoo.
    Welcome back.
    The more things change, the more cat crap remains. And, sadly, in this house cat snot. There are not one but two cat snot trails on every window where the little darlings look outside. (Jazz is taller than Jewel). And disgusting smears on the edges of kitchen cabinets.

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    Replies
    1. Many thanks!

      It's been a while, but I did remember we had revolting cats in common. In the holiday spirit, I'll trade you a poo trail for a snot trail.

      Please?
      PLEASE?!

      Delete
    2. I have both already. And oceans of piddle. Sigh.

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  6. Oh, Welcome back, Ms CrankyPants!

    Yes, you've been missed. I look forward to hearing more from you. I now have three ageing cats and they do clean their own asses, but they have been known to squat with their ass hanging out side the littler box; so we have switched to ones that are much higher sides (let's hope they will not lose their ability to jump in).

    Oh, and they all are sneezy too. I guess I should have gotten them their shots when we took them in. I thought it was enough that I got them neutered/spayed and fed them and gave them a warm place to sleep at night. Alas.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Webster! I am so pleased to hear I'm not alone in dealing with cat shit (literally). But, no, spaying/neutering, feeding, providing shelter are NOT enough. There is also: purchasing and installing $$$ elaborate cat walkways (that they will scorn), feeding them $$$ prescription diets (that they will scorn), and searching for the perfect $$$ robotic toy to get them to move their asses more (that -- you guessed it).

      :)

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  7. This is weird. I was just doing some winter cleaning and going through my list of blogs I follow, and there you were. And I was all, "Nope, not going to delete her because she WILL be back!" And now look. It's a Christmas miracle from baby Jesus. As in Jesus H. Christ, I've missed you!

    We had a fat cat for about a year. She ran away probably, in part, due to the diet we put her on. If only I'd wiped her butt instead.

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    1. OMG, I have never, EVER been someone's Christmas miracle. I'm so glad you didn't delete me. You can't quit me. No, really, you can't, because I will track you down in CO and make you follow me again.

      I've missed you, too!!

      If wiping a cat's butt keeps it from running away, I might stop this disgusting practice immediately.

      NO NO NO -- I won't; I love that guy.

      Delete
  8. Yay! It was awesome to see your name pop up again. Stick around this time, yeah?

    When I first got my kitten, she didn't know how to lick her own ass, so her sister had to teach her. Isn't it nice? That's what sisters are for, I guess.

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    Replies
    1. JESUS H. CHRIST! I have a sister and now a mental image that will NEVER, EVER go away.

      I will aim mightily to stick around this time :)

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  9. I am so glad you are back! :-)

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  10. It must be something in the air...blog resurrection time! I've done the cat bottom cleaning thing occasionally, long haired cat+diarrhea=not fun.

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    1. Hooray for blog resurrections (EXCELLENT Jesus reference, BTW). You're managing to keep up with yours far better than I am; however, Positano is way more compelling than cats' butts, so that's my feeble defense.

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  11. Welcome back! Oh, the things we do for cats...we wouldn't wipe people asses if they got fat, would we? (Sorry for the visual!)

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  12. Cranky! Late as ever, but I am so thrilled you are returning! It is a miracle! Hallelujah!

    And good to see the kitties! I'm sure the "cologne" Capt Nap so generously dabs on your clothes makes quite an impression in social situations!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a reception!! Thanks, Ellen!

      Oddly, I've been invited to fewer and fewer social gatherings. I can't blame the precious widdle kitties. My friends are just big rude jerks, clearly.

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  13. A stinking anus hole is never appealing, even on beloved pet.

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    Replies
    1. welll.......we're just going to have to agree to disagree on that one, LL Cool Joe. ;)

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