Thursday, April 10, 2014

Working in a Cube Is HELL

When you're a Certified CrankyPants (CCP), working in a cube can be nightmarish. As I type this, someone is rustling around with a candy bar wrapper, making an ungodly racket in this otherwise quiet office. This person shouldn't be hungry. Want to know how I know? BECAUSE HE JUST FINISHED ROOTING/RUSTLING/CHOMPING through what must have been a family-sized bag of the noisiest chips ever made! That's how I know. It took him *24* minutes to make his way loudly through the contents of that bag. I was gritting my teeth and watching the little clock on the bottom right-hand side of my computer the entire time.
  • 1:50  Bag makes its first appearance [crinkle crinkle]
  • 1:50 Cube dweller (CD) wrestles the bag open [CRINKLE CRACKLE RUSTLE]
  • 1:50 CD opens bag and plunges entire fist into the opening to seize a chip [ROOT ROOT CRINKLE CRINKLE]
  • 1:51 - 2:10 CD jams chip after chip into his mouth [CHEW CHEW SMACK ROOT RUSTLE CRINKLE]
  • 2:11 Is he done? [SILENCE]
  • 2:12 - 2:13 CD upends bag into his mouth to dislodge the crumbs at the bottom [TAPTAPTAP SMACK SHAKE RUSTLE]
  • 2:14 CD disposes of bag, noisily [CRUMPLE CRUMPLE CRINKLE]
Lord, by now I need a tranquilizer, but the hell that is CubeLand has just begun.

Return to Cubicles
This is a Shutterstock photo of a really annoying and nosy CD (caption dedicated to my blogger friend Birdie!)
Okay, seriously, WTF is that guy doing peeping over the wall of my cube? Oh, yeah. There's ZERO privacy here. Want to have a private phone conversation or talk shit about someone in the office? Good luck, because about 12 people will hear every word you're saying (best to just blog about it so your complaints can be read over and over, as well as shared with coworkers who weren't in earshot).

"Were you just talking about me, Ms. CrankyPants?"

In addition to chewing noises, there are many, MANY other irritating sounds that emanate from the cubes. How about these gems to make your day just that much more annoying?

  • Clipping nails (yes, really)
  • Receiving text alerts (cute tones OR vibrating)
  • Cracking knuckles
  • Scratching
  • Sighing
  • Yawning
  • Breathing loudly
  • Sniffling (repeatedly)
  • Clearing throat (repeatedly)
  • Chomping on gum 
  • Scraping out the verylastbit of yogurt from a container
  • Listening to music (YES, I can hear the tinny noises escaping from your headphones)
  • Shifting constantly in a squeaky office chair (for the love of GOD, please get some WD40)
  • Snickering at a hilarious cat video on YouTube*

*Have you seen the one where the cats play patty cake? It really is funny and I'd snicker right now if I were watching it.



**I just watched it. I kept the volume low but still loud enough so the fellow in the neighboring cube probably could hear it. And I couldn't help it, I snickered. But I will not clip my nails. Promise.





46 comments:

  1. wowzer…are you a little cranky? :-)

    but…reasons #250 thru 267 that i enjoy working from home!!! it used to annoy me to no end, hearing the "ding" from the computer when someone got a message - can't u turn that shizznit down?!?!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, nooooooooooo, not AT ALL!

      Well, maybe a little bit. Insurance has denied my Copaxone, so I'm taking it out on my poor fellow CDs.

      YES, that dinging is so annoying. :)

      Delete
  2. Good one! Makes me glad I have a (small) office! MK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lucky dog! I remember those days...

      p.s. he's eating a bag of chips AS I TYPE.

      Delete
  3. Very funny. In my day in a cube at a brokerage firm there was so much noise from teletype machines and phones that you could never hear toe nails being clipped...you pretty much had to yell just to be heard...I never realized how good I had it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, the clip-clopping of the Pony Express *really* gets on my nerves!

      hhahahahahahaha

      Sorry, "teletype" made me do it. :)

      Delete
  4. Now you can't get sued for not sourcing!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yp9eer-YA4

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, not for this post anyway! Actually, I didn't source the second picture, so I guess I could get sued. Good thing I have such a small following!

      Funny parody :)

      Delete
  5. And they wonder why people go postal, eh? They should really wonder why more don't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No kidding! [she typed as she continued eating annoyingly crunchy cereal out of a tin bowl in her cube]

      Probably my fellow CDs are blogging about my irritating noises RIGHT NOW.

      Delete
  6. we have a rule at work now that we're not supposed to eat at our desks - it is pretty gross (when was the last time you turned your keyboard over? ick).

    so now i just eat my lunch at other people's desks.

    (not really, but i did earlier today and that was the reason i gave - i'm a member of the Senior Management Team and should know better)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oddly enough, in my vigor to do something yesterday I *did* knock my keyboard askew; it was horrific. Don't get my started on the crumb collection on my chair...

      Wait, is that a REAL rule at your work??

      Delete
  7. There are some things I really, really don't miss. Nose blowing, coughing, sniffing, chewing - and me puking in the corner. (Well I wanted to.) And the patty cake cats? Much nicer than ours. Teeth and claws would have been bared. And used.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hahaha - fortunately, no one has vomited (that I've seen/heard).

      Those patty cake cats are adorable.

      Delete
  8. It's been almost 20 years since my cubicle days. I was young then so the noises didn't bother me. Sitting under a vent did, though, and certain people came by to chat too often. Now at my advanced age, the clicking of my husband's blackberry drives me crazy if I'm trying to read in bed. Also, him licking peanut butter off of a spoon takes me "there" too. But, at least I'm home and can go to another room. I guess you're kind of stuck at the cubicle. Too bad, but funny!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, there is a correlation between age and the level of irritation one feels at such things. I've gotten increasingly curmudgeonly, I think!

      AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, blackberry clicking!!!

      Delete
  9. could be worse, someone in a cub could have bad loud gas :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Indeed (or how do you know that's not ME?)

      Delete
  10. Wow. You have so totally described cubeland. Gosh, I miss it... especially the nail clipping...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nail clipping might be my favorite. I mean, really??!

      Delete
  11. I think working in a cubicle would drive me insane. How anyone can do it is beyond me. And seriously? Clipping nails? Yuck.
    Loved the cat video though! I had to snicker out loud too. Thankfully I'm alone, but I'll be sharing it with my friends later.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If nothing else, it gives me excellent blogging material (until my super-secret identity is revealed and I become the Cranky Office Pariah)

      Delete
  12. That would make me go postal, I think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What, you mean you don't want to listen to someone clipping his/her nails at work and wonder just where the clipped bits are landing??

      Delete
  13. You have perfectly summed up my own office experience from years ago! I worked on an open floor with 100 other people in a newspaper office. Hell.
    Probably why I enjoy working with a bunch of builders, although they are prone to - scratch, grunt, eat endless bacon sarnies, tell rude jokes (well, that's me actually), whinge about their girlfriends, leave tools lying around so I trip over, call me Half-Shift, etc. Beats office politics though!
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Holy cow - all of that irritation x 100!! That sounds horrendous!

      Your cohorts sound fun! I am a fan of rude jokes.

      Delete
  14. •Snickering at a hilarious cat video on YouTube*

    HAheeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

    Hilarious! xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Did you watch it? It cracks me up every time! So, I become the CD snickerer...

      Delete
  15. Ah yes and now I remember why I no longer delight myself working in an office. Perhaps delighting myself conjures up other thoughts. So, moving swiftly on....

    Of course, the sound of some dude sticking his hands down his pant and scratching his balls is an office must. Along with the customary cheek clapping thunder fart.

    Have a great Sunday.

    Gary :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh. So many GROSS things to think about at one time!

      Fortunately, neither of them has happened...YET.

      Delete
  16. With all of our current technology, can Lay's NOT make a bag of chips that doesn't sound like a thunderstorm when you open it? That one probably drove me the craziest, back when I was a fellow cubicle monkey.

    As for chewing gum, the thing I hated the most was the coworker who would come look over my shoulder at my screen, chewing that gum with his mouth WIDE OPEN directly in my ear. What I would have given to turn around and punch him in the dick as hard as I could...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, apparently Lays can NOT make a quiet bag of chips or chips that don't crunch noisily and irritatingly, alas.

      hahahahahaha - punching your coworker in the dick: now THAT's an office meltdown I'd like to see!

      Delete
  17. I guess being deaf, all those annoying noises are lost on me! But I am mischievous enough to do those to others who mistreat me. Not only that, but I have a supernose. There are those I need to pay back for having strong odors waving through the room.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I'm SURE there are smelly paybacks you can think of! Let me know if you need suggestions :)

      Delete
  18. Earplugs! You need earplugs. That kind of noise would drive me batty as well.
    I would storm into the boss' office and demand a "Cone of Silence" like they had on "Get Smart."
    The cubicle is like a behavioral science test gone wrong!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know exactly what a Cone of Silence is, but I LOVE that idea! (just saying "Cone of Silence" is funny!)

      Delete
  19. I share a small office. And my office mate does this weird combination of humming, singing, and talking to himself. But all within the same sentence. Like, "Ahhh... have schedule the... hmm hmm HMMM hmmm... take iiiiiit to the limiiiiit.... where's that spreadsheet... oh boy... hmm HMMM-hhmm huhhh..." He's recently added a toe-tap. I'm purchasing a Louisville Slugger at lunch time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Angry, your officemate COULD be my husband. Does he, by chance, whistle out of tune?

      Delete
  20. Bahahaha! Okay, I've been enjoying the comments you've been leaving on my blog. I tried to hunt down an e-mail address for you and couldn't find one, so I'm stalking you as well. I feel your pain on the cube living. You forgot my personal favorite....THE WHISTLER!!!!!

    -andi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why, thank you, Andi! I thought I checked the option to leave my email address at your blog, but I guess I'll just have to LEAVE ANOTHER COMMENT, hahahahahaha!

      How could I forget THE WHISTLER? No one should be chipper enough at work to be whistling; it's infuriating!

      Delete
  21. I did not realize how cubicles could be so annoying, you make a good point, ear plugs seem to be the answer....somewhat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, lucky you if you don't have to experience it firsthand!

      Delete
  22. I came in early just to watch the patty cake cat video and snicker in relative seclusion. Ha! My cats do this too!

    Those chip eaters are annoying--when they upend the bag to get the remaining crumbs, those little bits must just go everywhere! My poor chair...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow - your cats do this?? Mine are dullards in comparison. They don't talk, either.

      Yes, I'd bring in a vacuum cleaner if I were you and use it on your chair - preferably *before* I come in tomorrow! :)

      Delete
  23. What about the farting, you never mentioned that. I'm so pleased I've never worked in a cube, although it does seem fun in a strange way.

    I've seen that video, plus showed it on my blog and I still think it's so funny. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fortunately, no one seems to do that (at least, not loudly). Thank GOD.

      CubeLand can be fun AND irritating. It all depends on your mood!

      That video is awesome; cracks me up every time.

      Delete