Monday, January 13, 2014

I Have a Farting Cat

First, I must give credit where credit is due: thank you, gentlemen, from A Beer for the Shower (ABftS), for bringing to my attention the need to address cat farting. In their most recent blog post, ABftS mentioned this off-putting (and HILARIOUS) behavior. Anyone who spends a nanosecond reading my frequently off-putting blog can well imagine that I find the idea of cat farting amusing. And amusing it is...until it's your cat doing the farting.

The fellows from ABftS didn't realize cat farting exists. (They thought it was a myth, like women farting...which IS a myth, by the way.) But I'm here to tell you that one of the following felines is a farter:

Captain Nap? He looks a bit embarrassed, doesn't he? 
Or could it be the oft-maligned Squeaky?
"Haha! I'm farting on your laptop!"
Now hold on. Before you go and blame poor Squeaky, let's not forget the newest member of the family:
Not darling Pepper Anne!?!  
This picture is a CLUE. 
Yes, friends, the adorable Pepper Anne is not only missing an eye, she's also missing her manners. Maybe it's the stress and excitement of a new home, or maybe it's the super-expensive special diet all three cats are on (she routinely horns in on the adult cats' food, which is a $$$ hypoallergenic variety that Capt. Nap needs). Whatever the reason, the cats and I will be having a pleasant conversation, such as the following:

Me: "Squeaky, did you gnaw on that plant?"
Squeaky: "NO!"
Me: "Capt. Nap, is Squeaky telling Mommy the truth?"
Capt. Nap: "No! She's totally lying!"
Me: "Squeaky, is there something you want to tell Mommy?"

And then Pepper Anne will stroll past and leave a horrific odor in her wake. I know it's her because:

  1. It wasn't me (remember: women don't fart)
  2. Squeaky is now in the Punishment Box* (a Plexiglass container where she stays until she admits she was naughty)
  3. Capt. Nap is lying on a sofa halfway across the room
*NO, I don't put my cats in a Punishment Box. 

If I were guilty of ever passing gas, I can see where this cat-farting business might come in handy.
["AAAAAH, Pepper Anne JUST FARTED AGAIN!!! GOD, IT'S DISGUSTING!!!!"]

But since I do not, there's no reason for me to not get to the bottom of this problem and nip it in the bud. So, I've taken her to the vet and duly dropped off a stool sample. Please wish us luck. Cat farting is amusing only when it's happening to someone else. 



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28 comments:

  1. The BeansJanuary 13, 2014 at 2:53 PM

    Being allergic to cats, I was unaware of cat farts. Dog farts, on the other hand... *trembles in horror*

    Perhaps you should think of investing in a gas mask.

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 13, 2014 at 2:58 PM

    Barb, that is an excellent idea! Plus, could double as a Halloween costume AND I could use it for litter-scooping detail.

    p.s. I also had a dog, who lived to be 18. Am quite familiar with dog farts, alas...

    ReplyDelete
  3. BirdieJanuary 13, 2014 at 4:03 PM

    I know for sure that cats fart! Our older cat has to have "special" food or he gets allergies.Along with allergies he gets Irritable Bowel Syndrome or something like it. It can clear a room.

    One of my cats has a time out box. It is called the entire lower level of the house.

    As for farting, any creature that eats and breathes air farts. Except women. I learned this from an ultrasound technician.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 13, 2014 at 4:10 PM

    Birdie, thanks for corroborating that:

    (a) cats fart
    (b) cat gas can clear a room
    (c) women don't fart

    I like the time out room! Much kinder than my Punishment Box. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Elephant's ChildJanuary 13, 2014 at 4:18 PM

    We had a cat whose farts could strip paint. And if he used the kitty litter in the small hours I would wake up, with my eyes watering (and my tummy heaving). Changing the kitty litter (completely) at three in the morning is not on my preferred list of jobs - but he made it necessary. He needed a time-out universe, not just a room.
    And Jewel farts to punish people. Particularly if you pick her up when she has better things to do...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 14, 2014 at 11:07 AM

      Oh, Lord, cleaning out an entire box at 3am sounds awful. No way could I get back to sleep after that.

      I do kind of like the farting-as-punishment notion. Maybe I could use it for unwanted hugs. IF I farted, that is...

      Delete
    2. Paper Chipmunk (aka Ellen)January 15, 2014 at 3:05 AM

      Sadly, I know the litter box at 3am routine only too well. Steve's business also makes eyes water and respiratory tracts strain. There's nothing like cleaning the litter box before bed, only to be awakened by that… toxic gas odor rising from the bathroom shortly after finally falling asleep. As for farts (as opposed to the actual solid product) ours only ever seemed to do that after big rodent feasts, at least from what I suspected. Perhaps it is a food sensitivity that is not alleviated by the expensive food? A lot of pet foods these days hype being grain free, but some still put dairy ingredients and other things in that could reasonably be a fart-producing culprit. Might be worth a check. (I know the vet says it's an intestinal thing, but who knows what else might help?) She sounds delicate (translation: expensive for you, sucker).

      Delete
    3. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 15, 2014 at 9:12 AM

      I'm seriously considering selling all three cats. Squeaky now has what the vet suspects is the herpes virus, transmitted by Pepper Anne. AND - Squeaky hasn't used the litter box in 24 hours. That *sounds* good in theory, but of course it's not. So...back to the vet with her this afternoon. She's a delight to get into her carrier.

      Okay, okay, I won't sell them, but I will make them get part-time jobs as soon as they're healthy.

      Oh - and they're ALL "delicate"!! I'll investigate the diet some more; thanks for the tip!

      Delete
  6. AbbyJanuary 13, 2014 at 9:30 PM

    Say it isn't so! Cats farting?? Never! That's what we have the dog for!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 14, 2014 at 11:08 AM

      Oh it's so, all right... Your Napolion isn't guilty of this offense?

      Delete
  7. Riot KittyJanuary 13, 2014 at 10:30 PM

    It's never amusing, NEVER, especially not when your cat lets loose when you invite it to snuggle underneath the covers.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 14, 2014 at 11:09 AM

      HA! Okay, mine haven't done that. However, Capt. Nap, who has the occasional POO PAW, is the only one who likes to get under the covers (he's not a farter). I try to not think about his paws.

      Delete
  8. LL Cool JoeJanuary 14, 2014 at 9:25 AM

    Well I had two burmese cats, and the family cat was a siamese, and they were all far too posh to fart, ever. My daughters on the other hand ....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 14, 2014 at 11:10 AM

      See, that's because your cats are from the UK, where cats of COURSE are posh. Our dang American cats are totes crude.

      Delete
  9. Jennifer RoseJanuary 14, 2014 at 12:34 PM

    could be something as simple as the $$$ food??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 14, 2014 at 12:41 PM

      Jennifer,

      The vet surmises it's some kind of intestinal problem, actually. So now Pepper Anne, in addition to the other two cats, is on medication. My life has been reduced to feeding, medicating, and cleaning up after cats. That is all. Oh, and posting about cats farting. :)

      Delete
    2. Jennifer RoseJanuary 15, 2014 at 2:16 PM

      glad the vet has figured out what is wrong :)

      maybe invest in a gas mask if the farting doesn't go away ;)

      Delete
    3. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 15, 2014 at 2:21 PM

      Looking on ebay now ;-)

      Delete
  10. Stumbling In FlatsJanuary 14, 2014 at 12:46 PM

    Thank you for cheering me up! This post made me laugh so much the cat ran away.
    Must admit, have never heard my little cat fart, but she's so dinky it probably just slips out unnoticed?
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 14, 2014 at 12:50 PM

      See? It IS funny when it happens to other people. Meh. I've never actually heard her; just smelled the evidence. She's a sneaky little thing. But so cute I love her anyway!

      Delete
  11. A Beer for the ShowerJanuary 14, 2014 at 2:36 PM

    This still blows my mind, as I've had cats since I was 10 years old (which was, uh, a long ass time ago let's just say).

    Let's just say that in that time I've had 3 cats that love to lay in my lap, and sleep right on top of my chest, and stand on me while I'm working on writing, and none of them have ever ass blasted me. Even when they were feeling sick.

    Not sure if I'm just really lucky, or I feed them really high quality food, or maybe I somehow managed to find cats that don't have anuses. I guess I've never checked "down there."

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 14, 2014 at 2:49 PM

      I'm going with your cats don't have anuses, mostly because it gives me an excuse to use the word "anuses."

      This is my first Farting Cat. Let's hope she's an anomaly.

      p.s. "ass blasted" hahaha (yes, I am really a 10-year-old boy)

      Delete
  12. My Inner ChickJanuary 14, 2014 at 4:38 PM

    ---Hilarious & True.

    I've definitely inhaled cat farts...even from the feminine kind!

    I LOVE the last photo! Priceless.

    No wonder we connected.

    We both adoring cats...even when they fart. Xxx MEOWwwwwwwwww.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 15, 2014 at 9:14 AM

      You know, I'm glad to hear all these tales of fellow cat-fart sufferers!

      That last photo cracks me up every time. She's simply too cute for words.

      Delete
  13. klahanieJanuary 15, 2014 at 11:49 AM

    Greetings, my human friend,

    And this is the reason I will not allow a cat to live with me and my humans. Cats have the kind of farts to burn out your nostril hairs!

    Pawsitive wishes,

    Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 15, 2014 at 12:32 PM

      Penny, my cats are humbled to be addressed by an internet superstar, modest or not! They also are most embarrassed by Pepper Anne and her gas. Thanks for visiting! Please come again; I promise, the cats aren't always so ill-mannered.

      Okay, maybe they are. But they're really, really cute!

      Delete
  14. My Odd SockJanuary 16, 2014 at 12:07 PM

    Know why cats don't light their farts?
    Because they can't hold the lighter.

    You have quite the problem. Sorry I can't offer a solution--I have my own gas problem.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsJanuary 16, 2014 at 1:27 PM

      At least you can hold a lighter? Could make your problem a little more entertaining...

      Delete

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