Monday, October 28, 2013

Hubris Will Bite You in the Ass

First, let me address the title of this piece. I was trying to show off and use a Big Word, but I confess that I had to look it up first. You know, to be sure I was using it correctly. So that's a little embarrassing. But here's what Wikipedia says:

Hubris /ˈhjuːbrɪs/, also hybris, from ancient Greek ὕβρις, means extreme pride or arrogance. Hubris often indicates a loss of contact with reality and an overestimation of one's own competence, accomplishments or capabilities, especially when the person exhibiting it is in a position of power. Hubris is usually associated with the "simple-minded". 

I'd like to call your attention to this section of the definition: Hubris often indicates a loss of contact with reality

Ummm, so, yes, I WAS using it correctly. If anyone's in doubt, there's also THIS:

Hubris is usually associated with the "simple-minded". 

Now that we've got that straight, on with my post! I secured my pants with a giant paper clip today. You know, one of these:

I know it's not a paper clip, but I'm too lazy to look up the proper word.
Why did I use this not-a-paperclip to fasten my pants, you ask? It wasn't because my zipper broke or the button fell off my pants. It's because the pants were so damn tight that I couldn't stand it anymore. So I hunched in my cubicle at work, unbuttoned the top button (OKAY, FINE, AND LOOSENED THE ZIPPER A BIT TOO), and used the clip to adjust them to a more, errrr, accommodating size. Fortunately, I was wearing one of my old wardrobe staples -- a baggy, forgiving shirt -- so I was fairly sure the freakish-looking shape that was now jutting out of my abdomen like the darling baby alien from "Alien" wasn't obvious.

It's a boy!
I didn't feel spectacular about wearing these particular pants today but I was in a rush, so I figured they would do. The pants are made of some bizarre linenish-but-not-remotely-natural material. They're gray and crinkley (bonus! No ironing required; they're SUPPOSED to look like that!). They're also kind of a "slim" fit. I'd jettisoned them from my wardrobe around the same time as my muffin top reared its grotesque head.

In case you needed a refresher...
Without doing anything resembling exercise, I've shed a few pounds. Maybe it's the Swank Diet? A raging case of terminal cancer, more likely. Whatever the reason, I vividly recall the moment I triumphantly welcomed the gray pants back into my wardrobe. I was tired of the same three pairs I'd been wearing. So, just last weekend, I eased open the closet door and gingerly took out the gray ones. I slipped them on, trotted over to the mirror, and -- no ghastly bulges. I turned around. No giant wedge!

"Welcome back to the rotation!" I said out loud, addressing my pants. No, really, I did. I said that to my pants in the mirror.

Clearly, I was feeling mighty pleased with myself. Clearly, I'd forgotten every single horror movie I'd ever seen (except for "Alien.") You know -- there's always a scene when a stupid character bellows: "Things couldn't POSSIBLY get any worse!"  or sighs, "Thank God...it's over!" after tossing the gun/knife/hammer aside, and you just shake your head because the person saying it is so stupid. Of course things will get worse (duh), and no way are they over.

So, yeah. That was me. Tempting fate and displaying a helluva lot of hubris with my smug little comment. It didn't matter that no one except Squeaky and Capt. Nap (and the pants) heard me; Fate heard me. And my comment came back to bite me in the ass.

I know what you're hoping. You're hoping I have a picture of myself crammed into these pants with the unsightly alien-like protrusion that you will secretly enjoy noting is TOTALLY obvious, baggy shirt or no baggy shirt. Nope! Sorry, friends. I do have a shred of dignity left. You'll have to be content with this:

In case you forgot, the pants are supposed to look that wrinkled.
I've left the clip right there on the hanger as a reminder for the next time I start feeling a bit too pleased with myself. It's also there for the next time I want to wear the pants!

22 comments:

  1. Binder clip is the word you are seeking, sis! MKB

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  2. And they are known as bull-dog clips over here. I feel your pain. And assume that those pants were punishing you for taking them out of circulation. They lulled you into a false sense of security, waited until you were away from home - and shrank. I am certain that some pieces of clothing are quite malevolent enough to do that...

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    1. Interesting, EC! "Bull-dog clips" sounds much more fun than binder or paper clips. And I think you're right about the pants punishing me. I should have known that a true test of their comfort would be to sit down, as I spent most of my day at work doing. That's when the waistline begins feeling *mighty* tight!

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  3. You could always get different colored clips to match your ensemble.
    If that doesn't work, try the Clampett method--an old rope belt! Worked for Ellie Maye, she was hot!

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    1. Sock, FANTASTIC suggestions! The clips do come in jaunty colors, and that way I won't have to hide them under my shirt. I'll have to see if I have any rope. I do have bungee cords...that may work too.

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  4. great post, it made me laugh - i have NO COMMENTS to make on this as i am a man (who doesn't think about clothes at all, really) and can therefore bring NOTHING to this particular party.

    thanks!

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    1. Thank YOU, Steve! Glad it made you laugh.

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  5. If it makes you feel any better, I've given up on real pants that, like, zip and button. I figured, hell, if I'm going to feel like I'm going on 80, might as well dress the part! (That, and the fact that my adrenal problems are making me gain weight.) I wear elasticized pants. A shameful thing to admit in public, let alone on the entire cyber universe. But, there, I've said it. And they are damn comfortable, too. (I should add I wear the nicer ones from a reputable online source. But still.)

    I bet you kept looking down all day to make sure your binder clip wasn't showing.... :-)

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    1. Paper Chipmunk, that DOES make me feel better -- thanks! I suspect elasticized pants are in my not-too-distant future (shhhh, don't tell anyone). I'm already putting on my pajamas almost as soon as I get home from work, so it's really not that farfetched.

      And, you are right: I did find myself checking on that stupid binder clip repeatedly. Imagine the horror if someone had noticed it?!

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  6. hmm wish i had of thought to use a binder clip rather then a safety pin when I had to quickly fix a broken zipper :p

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    1. Jennifer, I have heard via a friend that safety pins can spring open at inopportune moments and poke you in the stomach. It's never happened to me, of course, but that's what my friend said. Really, it was my friend. Not me. :)

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  7. I laughed out loud at this - loving the image of you with bulldog clips. Models use them on photoshoots!
    Am also totes envious. I have the opposite problem at the moment, meh. My muffin top is now a full-blown Victoria Sponge.
    X

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    1. Thanks, SIF! And I feel MUCH better knowing my wardrobe malfunction makes me more like a model than anything, lol!

      I just googled Victoria Sponge and it made me laugh. At least your midsection baked good involves jam...?

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  8. I use these clips sometimes too for clothes, and for chip clips....You do make me laugh always
    ps. Yes it is really my view....I call it my moving picture, but all of nature is a moving picture:)

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  9. Yep, I've used them for chips too!! Thanks for the kind words; I seem to have lots of silly things happen to me :)

    You are SO lucky to have that view...beautiful!

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  10. HAaaaa.
    Great Idea. Photos, Please.
    I once had a pair of jeans I loved soooooooo much that I had to pull the zipper up w/ a string, but damn, they looked good as long as I didn't breathe! Xxx KISS

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    1. My Inner Chick -- I am easily swayed by both flattery and peer pressure, but nothing (maybe a cash bribe?) will convince me to post those pictures. Email me if you need my address to send the $$
      I'm sure you were fab in the jeans! Who cares about breathing as long as you looked good?!! :)

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  11. I use those to keep my pants on a hanger. They have so many uses. Also as chip clips and cereal bag clips.

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    1. Awfully handy, aren't they?! My favorite, though, is still pants-expander :)

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  12. This made me chuckle. I favour a hair bobble to keep my pants up.

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    1. Happy to know my pants saga made you chuckle! And the word "bobble" made ME laugh. Must Google it at once!

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