Friday, April 12, 2013

What Muffin Top, Damnit?

I've been working out a lot lately.

HAHAHA! That was a complete and utter lie. I just wanted to try it on for size. It sounds good, huh? So here's the truth: I've been thinking about working out a lot lately. Okay, okay, I haven't been thinking about it a lot. Just a little. Especially this morning.

It's finally cooled off here, I'm no longer a hot, hot mess, and I decided today was a good day for jeans. I experienced the first glimmerings of dismay as I surveyed the neat piles of denim in my closet. I took a deep breath and seized the closest pair. I got one leg in and heaved the jeans to the top of my left thigh, at which point any momentum ground to a halt. I engaged in a shimmying struggle to get them up any farther.

"Fine, I'll just get another pair," I thought, flinging the clearly-shrunken-in-the-wash (and hideously ugly to boot) jeans on the bed. The next pair similarly resisted my frenzied hitching and heaving. I hunched in the middle of the bedroom, panting, the jeans wadded up at the top of my grotesque sausage legs.

I scraped them off, kicked them under the bed, and looked balefully at the remaining jeans in my closet. Was I going to subject myself to any more of this humiliation? Yes, yes I was. This time, though, I checked the labels. Finally I found what I was looking for: the jeans that are about 10 percent denim and 90 percent some stretchy material. They slipped on like a rather snug glove.

"That's more like it!" I thought triumphantly, sauntering over to the full-length mirror to admire myself.

Big mistake. I should have just thrown on a baggy, forgiving shirt and left the room, because what greeted me was a reflection of myself crammed into ultra-tight pants with a pale and doughy muffin top. For those of you unfamiliar with the term "muffin top," allow me to illustrate (brace yourselves):

Incredibly, here's what I thought I'd see (note, please, the ample bosom; that should have been a clue that I was delusional).
And THIS is what I actually saw. If you click on the images, you can see them in all their glorious detail. 
So, here I sit in my nearly 100-percent-stretchy-material jeans, vowing that I will start exercising, STAT! Oh, and in case you are wondering, I immediately put on a baggy, forgiving shirt after seeing my muffin top in the mirror. The cat? I have no idea where she is. Kitty therapy?
Posted by at
Labels: , , ,

17 comments:

  1. KarenApril 12, 2013 at 10:19 PM

    Well, you know...all clothes(especially jeans) SHRINK drastically over the winter while sitting in the closet!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsApril 13, 2013 at 7:29 AM

      Karen, thanks for convincing me I am not crazy! I suspected something in the cold winter air/distance of the sun had a shrinking effect on clothes. Hooray!

      Delete
  2. Elephant's ChildApril 13, 2013 at 2:40 AM

    As a clone of the Michelin woman, you have all my sympathy. I need much, much more exercise and much, much less food. And while I am dreaming I would like to see what I look like as a blue-eyed sylph like blonde.
    Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsApril 13, 2013 at 7:32 AM

      EC, I will keep you posted on my progress, for I, too, am in food overload/exercise deficit. Somehow, I thought being on the Swank Diet would make me lose weight, but I guess all of the nuts and jellybeans have taken their toll. (And, as Karen notes, there's the winter-shrinkage thing.)

      Delete
  3. WebsterApril 13, 2013 at 5:13 AM

    Mmmm, yeah. I tried on my jeans a few weeks back wondering, "Why did I stop wearing my jeans?" I was able to pull them on, all right. So, why?

    Because they were effin' uncomfortable, that's why. They made sitting into a calisthenic event! And getting up was an aerobic exercise!

    Not even gonna mention the muffin top.

    Jeans are back in the closet. WAAAAAY back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsApril 13, 2013 at 7:34 AM

      Well, the good news is we both burned some calories! You in wearing the jeans (which is farther than I got) and me in trying to get them on! Stupid jeans!

      Delete
  4. Stumbling In FlatsApril 13, 2013 at 1:56 PM

    A post I can totally relate to, sadly. My muffin top is now growing at an alarming rate, but I blame the terrible British winter and therefore being forced to eat a lot of pies, custard and more pies. With gravy. And roast potatoes.
    If people question my, ahem, curvier figure, I just blame all the steroids I took for relapses over the last two years. And the baby weight I can't shift (just don't tell anyone the 'baby' is 14 this year).
    Off to have some custard and apple crumble,
    X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsApril 14, 2013 at 8:28 AM

      If you blame the British winter, can I blame the quite mild winter we had here? Maybe it confused my body into growing the muffin top -- kind of like a mushroom grows in the correct conditions...

      Hmmm, yes, steroids; forgot to blame those. Will also blame your teenager, if I may be so bold. Think I've got it covered!

      Delete
    2. Stumbling In FlatsApril 14, 2013 at 9:57 AM

      Steroids is a great one, sounds kind of medical-y. I use that quite a lot, ho hum.
      Can't believe you've had a mild winter! We've had a downright miserable one here. No idea where Spring has got to. We're halfway through April and we're still freezing. Meh.
      X

      Delete
    3. Ms. CrankyPantsApril 14, 2013 at 5:40 PM

      Must incorporate steroids into List of Excuses immediately.

      Sorry to hear about your meh weather. It's been amazing here for the past two or three days (following a hideous heatwave). Before long, though, blazing heat & oppressive humidity will be a permanent fixture.

      Delete
  5. My Odd SockApril 14, 2013 at 9:40 AM

    It's gravity. I blame Issac Newton for your muffin top.
    Obviously from your illustration, gravity pulled your "ample bosom" downward.
    Maybe you should just walk upside down.
    Thanks for the laugh (at your pain)!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsApril 14, 2013 at 5:42 PM

      Sock, as long as no one's blaming my lack of exercise or my fondness for excessive quantities of junk food, I'm all for it. DAMN YOU, ISAAC NEWTON!!

      Happy to make you laugh, even at my expense. (Better at someone else's expense, but still...)

      Delete
  6. Kim@stuffcould....April 16, 2013 at 1:40 PM

    I like your drawings! I know the feeling of a forgiving shirt and stretchy jeans:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsApril 16, 2013 at 4:31 PM

      Kim, would you believe I haven't had any formal training? I know, it's incredible. Should probably look into doing portraits and stuff...there's good money in that.

      Ah, the old forgiving shirt/stretchy pants combo. A staple in any normal woman's wardrobe!!!

      Delete
  7. Diane J StandifordApril 16, 2013 at 10:27 PM

    Hahahhahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  8. AmyApril 19, 2013 at 4:08 PM

    Dude. You don't have to exercise (although I did fall for that line & was all "you go girl" until I got to the next sentence). I was shopping at Target for new underwear today (see my email about THAT) and came across some new panties that actually are styled in a way that's supposed to minimize the dreaded muffin top. Something like this: http://www.jcpenney.com/dotcom/women/clothing/lingerie-pajamas/lingerie-pajamas/panties/3-for-$21/warners-no-pinching-no-problem-lace-trim-hipste/prod.jump?ppId=1d6a796&sisearchengine=182&siproduct=GooglePLA&cm_mmc=ShoppingFeed-_-GooglePLA-_-Women-_-1d6a796&srccode=cii_17588969&cpncode=31-123549763-2. So put those stretchy jeans on and head over to Target. Problem solved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ms. CrankyPantsApril 19, 2013 at 5:27 PM

      Yay! That is amazing, because exercising sucks. Muffin top solved; what about the grotesque thighs? Spanx? Must find easy solution. Exercise does not compute.

      Delete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)