Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The 5 Types of People Who Visit the Bathroom

My mom (!) told me my last two blog posts (revolting bruises and cat farting) were a bit off-putting, so I've decided to switch things up a bit. They say you should write about what you know, and God knows I am intimately familiar with the bathroom. ("Wait! Mom, where are you going?!") Having MS makes me have to pee approximately 716 times per day. Okay, maybe not QUITE that many, but last Saturday morning, after two cups of coffee and one-and-a-half glasses of water, I went five (5) times in an hour. I know it was exactly five times in an hour, because after each visit, I bellowed to my lucky, lucky husband, "That's the SECOND time...that's the FOURTH time..." until he left the house.

At home, the only interesting people I run into in the bathroom are, well, my husband and me. Oh, and Capt. Nap, who for some peculiar and perhaps best-not-examined reason, likes to skulk behind the shower curtain and then leap out and watch the toilet being flushed. Not sure where he gets this fascination with the bathroom...



At work, I run into lots of interesting people (who probably wonder why I am always in there, but at least I'm not lurking behind doors and racing out to watch the toilets being flushed). How many of the following bathroom patrons do you recognize?

  1. The Cell Phone Talker: Really, this one is troubling. I mean, okay, probably everyone has taken their phone into the bathroom for a quick check of Facebook or to send a text ("Hey! Guess where I am?"), but the people who chatter away blithely while others tromp in and out, flushing, slamming doors...I don't get it! What must the receiver of the call think? Behavior Assessment: DISTURBING, with a generous side of WTF? 
  2. The Fake-Out Hand Washer: Not to be confused with the No Hand Washer (no explanation needed), the Fake-Out Hand Washer thinks people can't see her through the massive gaps in the doors. Yes, madam, I can totally see you turn on the water for the requisite 4.75 seconds and just stand there, gazing at yourself in the mirror, and then noisily snatch up paper towels and leave. Behavior Assessment: GROSS, and please do not ask to borrow my stapler.
  3. The Silent Shitter (SS) (sorry about the language, Mom): This one is a sneaky customer! You stroll into the bathroom and it's quiet. You have the place to yourself. Yay! You choose your favorite stall -- and then you see them: feet under the door across the way. No sounds whatsoever, just feet. You know she's in there, and she knows you're in there, and no one is making a peep. I hate SS! I mean, I appreciate that she's waiting for an empty bathroom, truly, but the utter silence renders me powerless to accomplish my business, because I know she's just WAITING for me to wrap it up and get the hell out of there. Gah! Behavior Assessment: ANNOYING, because I'll have to come back in 10 minutes when she's gone (and there's a 99.475% chance it'll smell bad).
  4. The "Oh, I'm Just Here to Blow My Nose/Wash My Hands" Trickster: This is one I've employed dozens of times. It's your "get out of the bathroom" card when, for example, you are stuck in the oppressive, bladder-seizing presence of an SS. If you've blundered into a stall before noticing SS, you need to take some kind of action and then scram. Here's where the fake nose-blow comes into play. If you see SS before you go into the stall, a brisk hand-washing works like a charm. These fake-outs backfire only if you return 10 minutes later and SS is still lurking. Behavior Assessment: PERFECTLY UNDERSTANDABLE, although everyone knows you didn't really come in there to just wash your hands or blow your nose.
  5. The Excessive Towel User: I kind of like the environment, so this one bugs me. But there's always that person who, after washing, proceeds to rip 37 paper towels from the dispenser to dry her hands. Really? I get that the towels are cheap and crappy, but I have first-hand (hahaha! Get it?) experience and can say with certainty that two towels will indeed dry your hands. Sure, it'll feel like you're drying them with sandpaper, but that's true of 2 -AND- 37. So how about using 2? Please? Behavior Assessment: IRRITATING, if you are a tree hugger; otherwise, this complaint is no doubt irritating. 
And that's my list. I could go on and on (the Overly Friendly Stranger, the Sullen and Beady-Eyed Stranger, the Mom Coaxing Her Kids into Going Potty), but I fear I may be driving off my more respectable readers. The rest of you, thanks for sticking around, and feel free to chime in with your own additions!

36 comments:

  1. I hear you on the piddled a teaspoon, wiping, flushing, dressing, washing hands and then needing to start again syndrome. Can you remember a whole night without having to get out of bed, several times, to practice this manouevre? Sigh.
    And the friends who talk about things which most consider private across the cubicles always fascinate me. They obviously think they are in a cone of silence. And are wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Cone of silence" -- hahaha! Wrong, indeed.

      I do not drink anything after 3pm, apart from a thimble-size amount water to wash down some medication. Otherwise, I'm up at night and can't get back to sleep. It's awful. The time will come, I have no doubt, that even these drastic measures will fail and I'll be up and at 'em throughout the night. Sigh.

      Delete
  2. My human friend,

    Your bathroom observations are certainly something to um, get up your nose. Although, ever wondered why it's called a bathroom when there isn't necessarily a bathroom in the public facilities?

    Indeed, the "cell phone" cringe-worthy talkers, who insist on boring the crap, perhaps literally, out of you. Although, I didn't realise you were allowed phones in a cell. I do, however know how you sneak them in.

    The person who has used the toilet you are going to use next and has left a gigantic floater in the bowl is kinda aggravating. So my human tells me.

    Pawsitive wishes,

    Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Penny! I do have *loads* of fascinating observations about the bathroom, which I'm delighted to share.

      Your human is right! And there's another one that I can't believe I forgot: The Person Who Pees on the Seat and Leaves the Mess Behind (haha) As a Fun Surprise for the Next Visitor. Good times!

      Delete
  3. I just abhor public toilets. I have germ issues and find it virtually impossible to not touch at least one surface. As for restroom etiquette, I am the one that uses a paper towel to open the door on my way out. If there isn't a garbage nearby I just toss it on the floor. Don't tell anyone, especially not your mom.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, I totally use the paper towel to open the door too. Why on earth don't more places have a trashcan there so you can toss it in when you're done? I won't tell my mom, don't worry :)

      Delete
  4. Check with that astronaut about Depends. She can tell you the benefits and downside of usage. By the way, is she in jail? Anyway, a good night's rest might be worth it; or even an hour of relaxation around the house.

    As for the bathroom habits...hilarious. I recognize them all! Except for the cell phone user because I haven't been in the business world in quite a few years.

    I think you touched on this one a little; but specifically, the chatty person. It's usually an acquaintance who goes in right next to your stall and shoots out pee like a fireman's water hose, talking away. Meanwhile, you... okay, me... wants silence so that I can get my tinkle going.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the tip, Anita! I've just emailed the astronaut. I'll let you know what she says.

      Delete
  5. Funny stuff!
    My favorite is the SS.
    Being a guy (and a kid at heart), I'm sorry but find it hysterical to hear farting sounds & plopping noises while in the stall. I kill myself laughing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sock! SS is funny only when you don't work with her. Then it's not nearly as amusing.

      I suspect the noises you refer to are more common in men's rooms; women are far too dainty. Or at least they try to wait, like SS.

      Delete
  6. Silent Shitter. That cracks me up.

    But seriously, dear, I do not sh*t... and if I did, it wouldn't smell! haaaaa xx

    hope you are well, Cranky.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She's a real riot, I tell you!

      Of course YOU don't; I never would have thought otherwise :)

      Delete
  7. OMG, these people live near you too?! I thought it was just MY public bathrooms! I laugh in sisterly recognition.

    p.s. Our Napolion has the same flush fixation. Maybe he and Capt. Nap were separated at birth?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abby, they are alive and thriving here! I laugh too, when I'm not in the bathroom (which, admittedly, isn't often).

      You may be on to something with our Naps...

      Delete
  8. i will never understand why people take their phones into the bathroom, even the bathroom at home. a phone call is not that important, ever! :p

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't imagine talking on the phone...however, I do admit to MAYBE checking email or something. Once. :)

      Delete
  9. I never wash my hands at a public restroom! I use the toilet paper to close the stall door, my foot to flush, a paper towel to get out of germ hell, then I use my hand sanitizer. And if I do wash my hands, I use the towel paper on the faucet handles.....I just figured out WHY going to pee exhausts me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are brave! Do you ever get evil looks from the Beady-Eyed Stranger?!

      Sounds like you have the right idea, though. Germ hell, indeed.

      Delete
  10. How about the people that go into the stall, flush, and then pee. I can't figure them out. Do they not want others to hear them go? We all know why we're in there. Why try to cover it up with a flush? Not only that, they have to flush again. That's twice they've had to touch the handle! (Unless they're like me and use their foot to flush. Is there a name for that? FFr's?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YES! Another bathroom gem I forgot! What is UP with that??

      I totally use my foot, too. FFrs: I like it :)

      Delete
  11. Good post, glad you remembered to include those rude Seat Sprayers in the comments. They are the WORST. Here, for your reading pleasure (Ms CP & your loyal followers), is a post from one of your targets: Annoying Parent w. a Toilet Training Toddler. It is hilarious! http://bit.ly/1d9FWiT Til we meet again (across the stalls?), MK

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The worst is when you don't notice the Seat Sprayer until it's TOO LATE. Revolting. I often wonder: what do these people do at home? I'm guessing they're much less disgusting when they don't have some poor soul cleaning up after them.

      Thanks for the funny link!

      Delete
    2. If you're really paranoid, you always wipe the seat off first, just in case. ;-)

      Delete
    3. Yeah, or use one of those crinkly paper seat covers. More times than I'd like to think about, I've plunked right down without any preventive measures. Our work bathroom is kind of dim, so it's not super easy to SEE what you're sitting in. :-/

      Delete
  12. Absolutely brilliant!!!!
    I only really go to public loos at the hospital and you see every single type possible. Never ceases to amaze me how few of them actually wash their hands!
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, no - in hospitals no less! Hoping it's NOT the medical staff!!

      There is actually a sign in my neurologist's office that says something to the effect of, "Ask your doctor if he's washed his hands." Can you imagine? "Ummm, Dr. M., before you begin, I have to ask you a Very Important Question..."

      Delete
  13. I can't fucking believe the cell phone talkers. REALLY. People. Why there? Can't it wait? Do you really want people to hear you pee? And how do you have enough hands to do everything?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHA - hadn't thought about the too-few-hands issue. I usually scurry out as quickly as possible, so I don't hear the conversation wrapping up. Maybe they say, "Hang on, I gotta wipe and then flush"? Or, maybe they do neither and just saunter on out of the bathroom without interrupting their oh-so important chat?

      Delete
  14. Wow, this is great. I love the cell phone talkers. Whenever one steps up next to me in the bathroom I like to make really loud fart noises with my mouth and flush constantly. I usually get dirty glances, but hey, I'm not the dumbass who sounds like they're shitting their brains out while having a conversation, now am I?

    "No, see, it's the guy next to me. He's just making the noises with his mouth. No, of course it's not me."

    Yeah, riiiiight...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Brilliant! Except I'd be worried the cell phone talker would get annoyed that I was interrupting her conversation (I know, I know) and a CONFRONTATION (or, worse, an ass-kicking) might ensue.

      Delete
    2. i'd be annoyed at having to listen to their more than likely daft phone conversation. often feel like my brain cells are being killed off having to listen to some of these people :p i say it fair game to make noises to embarrass them, and really what would they do if someone was actually making those noises for real?

      Delete
    3. Only ONE way to find out! Please report back ;p

      Delete
  15. I try to avoid public loos, I just returned from an 11 hour flight and didn't use the restroom once. How's that for bladder control? :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I cannot BEGIN to imagine. And I'm totally jealous! Years and years ago, I had a rather impressive bladder too. MANY years ago. [weeping]

      Delete
  16. I am amazed how many people go through what I went through with retention and frequency for so many years. Do doctors and nurses never address options with patients? Or are others as scared as I was? If I could live that part of life over again, I would have overcome my fear and learned to self-cath much earlier. I am so happy to almost completely avoid public bathrooms and when I do have to use one it's only once and faster.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm, my neurologist recommended medication (can't recall what it was) to help w/ the frequency. It didn't work. No one has ever suggested self-cath to me, but it sounds awfully scary. A knee-jerk, uninformed response, for sure... If I remember (a big if, LOL), I'll ask my doctor at our next visit. Thanks for dropping by!

      Delete