What the *&$^ Did I Just Eat?

Tofu or not tofu? That was the question as I stood (yet again) in Wegmans, looking in great dismay at my pizza choices. For Swank dieters, choices are slim. At the recommendation of a friend, I bought one Amy's no-cheese, roasted vegetable pizza and (at the recommendation of no one) a Tofurkey pepperoni pizza. Oh, the desperation one feels when one is not allowed to eat real pizza.

Last night I decided it was high time to have pizza!! Yay! The picture on the box, incredibly, did not dissuade me:

No, I do not know how to rotate this damn picture.

"No matter!" I thought gaily. "The picture is probably bad!"

Besides, there were many encouraging and cheery proclamations on the box, such as: "Meatless and delicious!" and "Cheese that actually melts!" (This one should have been sufficient warning.)

Buoyed by the idea that, yes, I might be able to Swank AND eat delicious pizza, I scampered off to give myself my Copaxone injection while my husband did the honors and stuffed the Tofurkey in the oven.

I was upstairs, gleefully giving myself a shot, when the aroma of -- could it be? -- pepperoni wafted my way.

"Mmmmm," I thought. "This is going to be GREAT!"

I heard my husband rustling around in the kitchen, removing the pizza from the oven. I trotted down to make sure he didn't take the biggest pieces...and froze when I saw the pizza. It would have been handy to have seen it before it went in the oven; I might have been better prepared for the horror that now sat atop it. In short, the picture on the box was good. What was sitting on the pizza pan looked bad: hamster droppings pepperoni tofu bits in an alarming shade of red, resting on a circle of cardboard  crust with tiny flecks of "cheese." (To be fair, yes, the cheese flecks had melted into small whitish globs scattered here and there among the bright red bristling chunks of tofu.)

I felt a surge of nausea and disappointment. I'm embarrassed to say I lurched out of the kitchen and flung myself into a chair in the living room like a bratty child. I didn't weep or even curse, I just hunched there, quietly lamenting the fact that, for me and for the foreseeable future, great or even good pizza was not to be.

Soon, hunger got the better of me. After insisting my husband try it first, I glumly sat down to eat my half. (I also insisted HE take the biggest pieces!) In sum: it turned out to be edible. It sort of tasted like pepperoni pizza. Some tips, if anyone actually is considering trying this:

1. Eat it while it's hot (for me, this required reheating, after my sulking-in-the-chair episode). 
2. Don't LOOK at it while you're eating it.
3. Repeat in your head as necessary: it's much less disgusting than real pepperoni or sausage, which is made up of snouts and tails and who the hell knows what, exactly? 
4. Eat a large piece of angel food cake afterward. It helps remove the taste. Also, brush and floss and use liberal amounts of mouthwash.

It will likely be a while before I return to the Tofurkey pizza, but as the weeks of no pizza stretch on and on, I may decide it wasn't that bad after all. Next time, though, I'll try the Amy's. Stay tuned!