Sunday, October 6, 2013

Top 4 Most Annoying People at the Movies (and How to Avoid Them)

As my name suggests, I am easily irritated. I'd like to share my thoughts on an entertainment venue that has enormous potential to be irritating: the movie theater.

Okay, to be fair, it's not the venue that's annoying, it's the people IN that venue: my fellow moviegoers. Presumably, we're all there to sit quietly and enjoy the film. That's why *I'm* there, anyway. Not so certain others in the audience. In a movie theater, I gain special powers. I become an Annoying Person Magnet (APM). I would much prefer to become an Annoying Person Repellent, but we must play the cards we've been dealt.

What does an APM do, you ask? Well, quite simply, regardless of the movie or what time it's showing, irritating people are drawn to the seats next to, in front of, or behind me. You're probably thinking, "Gee, Ms. CrankyPants, sounds as if you are quite a curmudgeon. Surely it's not that bad." Here's what I say to YOU: No, I'm not* and yes, it is.

I've come up with a list of the types of annoying people I regularly encounter at theaters and have thoughtfully provided the few ways I've managed to outwit them.

1. The Rude Teenagers Putting Their Feet on the Seat in Front of Them: You know who I'm talking about. The ones who, while the lights are still up and people are shambling around with their buckets of popcorn and gallons of soda looking for seats, sit there in full view, legs draped over the seats in front of them, staring balefully at the grownups. I'm not ashamed to admit it: teenagers frighten me. A lot. I don't want to sit in front of them and turn around to give them a Pointed Stare (which they'll ignore, naturally) or, worse, a stern talking-to. That's because the instant I were to turn back around to face the screen, they'd be throwing popcorn and jujubees in my hair and chortling gleefully. The only way to avoid these rude teenagers is to get to the theater good and early and stake out the back row. I've forced many a friend ("I don't CARE if you forgot your glasses, we're sitting in the back!") to hike up to the very back row and squint for 2.5 hours, just so I don't have to confront a teenager. (Note: in the aftermath of an especially bad relapse, when walking was hugely challenging, I clenched my teeth and made the Mt. Everest-like climb to the back, clutching the railing and gasping, ignoring the people staring at me. I realize not everyone with MS can do this. There was a mercifully brief time when I could not walk at all, so I try never to take it for granted, and I certainly do not mean to offend anyone with this post.)

2. The Kicker: Typically, these are young children (although they might be rude teenagers too) who are accompanied by an oblivious adult. Solution: same as above -- secure a seat in the back row. It's your only defense. Ha HA, would-be seat kicker! Can't kick my seat now! In your FACE!

3. The Bag Crinkler/Soda Slurper: Okay, sure, part of the movie experience is shoveling in treats. I get it; I do it too. But I try to get all of my noisy bag rustling done during loud parts of the movie. And, if my movie treats are crunchy, I try to not chomp loudly during quiet, heart-tugging parts of the show. Few things are more distracting than trying to listen to someone's dying words over the CRACKLE, ROOT, RUSTLE, CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH of a nearby person groping around in his bag of popcorn. Or, and this actually happened to me very recently, someone trying to suck out the last molecule from their cup of soda. This activity involved lots of ice-shaking, slurping, more ice-shaking, violent sucking, and, FINALLY, the dad grabbing the huge cup of soda out of his kid's hands. Bless that man. I was about to do it myself. (HAHA! Not really: children frighten me only slightly less than teenagers.) Unfortunately, apart from moving seats, there is no remedy for this one. Back row doesn't prevent the Bag Crinkler/Soda Slurper from parking him- or herself directly in front of or next to you.

4. The Chatters: These usually fall into two groups: children and old people. I can sort of understand children. I mean, they don't know what's going on, so they ask questions. Often, and loudly. Okay, fine. I can deal. Old people, though, come on! They've been around long enough to know how movies work. You pipe down and enjoy the show. Unfortunately, the problem usually results when the old person can't hear well and missed some dialogue or a plot development. "Mildred, who is that man? What did he just say?" "Harvey, that's the main character. He just said he's going to drive to the grocery store." "Mildred, what did he say now? I missed it." "Harvey, that's because you were talking." It's an exhausting process. Here's the only solution I've found: switch seats. A tip that may allow you to avoid moving seats: when you arrive (early, remember!), scan the crowd. Avoid all areas that have clusters of kids, teens, and old people. These are Trouble Zones. If people are talking loudly during the previews, there's an excellent chance they'll keep up the chattering during the movie too.

So, there you have it -- my list of annoying people in movies and ways to avoid them. As we wrap up here, you may be wondering: Why do I subject myself to movies when I often find them exasperating? A fine question. Yes, indeed. When I figure out the answer, I'll get back to you.

*Maybe it's slightly me being a curmudgeon.

26 comments:

  1. I think those people that annoy you, also annoy everyone else....maybe I am cranky too??:)

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    1. Join the ranks! There's plenty of room for more curmudgeons!

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  2. **CRACKLE, ROOT, RUSTLE, CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH**

    I swear to gosh, You freaking crackkkkk me up, girl.

    I LOVE! Xxx

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  3. A couple of similar stories:

    - went to see a documentary about jazz singer/trumpeter Chet Baker and a guy was singing along. When confronted, he got very aggressive!

    (On a similar tip, I was working at a gig for a jazz vocalist and there was a woman in the front row who was singing along at he top of her voice)

    - we went to see The Artist (obviously a silent film) and were the only people there until just before the film started, when three guys came in and sat straight in front of us and proceeded to talk all the way through.

    In short, people can be amazing. But sometimes they can get right on your tits!

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    1. "he got very aggressive" -- see, that's why I fume in silence and blog about annoying people! Totally confrontation-with-possibly-aggressive-strangers-averse. Never encountered SINGING, but I reckon it's equally irritating. People can...get right on your tits, indeed!

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  4. " "Mildred, who is that man? What did he just say?" "Harvey, that's the main character. He just said he's going to drive to the grocery store." "Mildred, what did he say now? I missed it." "Harvey, that's because you were talking." "

    that drives me insane!! shut up already :p

    i usually only go to the movies when the film has been out for awhile so then the theatre is pretty empty. and I have told a few teenagers to shut the &*!$ up and turn off your damn phone

    its much easier to just watch a movie at home :p

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    1. You are brave! I'd consider telling someone to STFU only if (a) I was sitting behind him/her and (b) I was with someone who could kick ass if necessary. Oh, and (c) if the offending party was age 14 or younger!

      Agree: easier to watch at home!

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    2. lol, its not brave. its having spent money to see something and often its not cheap so I dont think I should put up with bored teenagers :p

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    3. Excellent point! (Can I take you with me next time I go to the movies? Of course, we'll have to sit in the back row!) :)

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    4. lol i dont think i could make it back down all those steps without falling on my face :p

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    5. If you're willing to be my STFU Enforcer, I'll make an exception for you and sit closer to the front!

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  5. I would add the people who come to the theatre with a vile, disgusting, contagious cold. And cough, sneeze and spread their germs around. Stay at home people. I don't want to share your plagues. I really don't.

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    1. Oooh, how'd I miss THIS delightful demographic? Thanks for chiming in!

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  6. My nemesis are the ones who arrive, stand staring at the empty seats, then sit in front of me. The ones who sit behind me always have colds and make my hair blow in the breeze as they cough and sneeze on me. Then there's the late crew with big sodas, tubs of popcorn, who try to squish their group of six into the five seats beside me.

    Did I mention this can happen in a totally EMPTY theatre? My husband believes that moving away is rude...so I can be rude as often as four moves.

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    1. So glad you all are chiming in with Other, Equally Annoying People at the Movies! I, too, wonder what goes on in people's minds when they choose seats RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME when there are plenty of others nearby. Incidentally, you can be assured it's never me sitting there in front of you, as I'm firmly planted in the back row, scowling at teenagers. :)
      It is sort of embarrassing to move, but my husband has learned it's better to look rude and move quickly than to endure me hissing into his ear throughout the movie about how annoying the people in front of us/next to us are. :)

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  7. A couple of times, to my horror, I've gone to a movie with a friend only to discover that the friend was one of those who talks nonstop throughout. UGH. But that was a while back. I've stopped going to movies. They're too loud, and I dislike people too much for all the reasons you and EC have so brilliantly outlined. Also, I am a tall person magnet. If the audience includes only one 7ft person, he'll be drawn like a magnet to the seat directly in front of mine, reducing my view to the back of his head. Never fails. I'm cranky too.

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    1. Haha! So glad I'm not alone in my movie-going crankiness (although, to be fair, it extends to pretty much any venue with lots of people who just seem to be...annoying! Horrifying to find a friend who's a talker. Happened to me too; I hunched in my seat and cringed, trying to respond to their repeated bleats with murmurs and silent nods.

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    2. *raises hand* I have a confession to make - I think my son may be one of those loud teenagers. He naturally won't let me go to the cinema with him any more, so he goes with a bunch of mates and judging from how loud they are when they visit the house, I can only fear for their fellow cinema goers.
      They also have a terrible habit of cinema hopping. They buy a ticket for a kids movie but hop around the other screens to see the 15 age films (or even older, shudder). That way, they spend the entire day in the cinema.
      As a responsible parent, I have naturally tried to talk him out of this, but teenagers have a nifty ear attachment whereby they filter out anything their parents say, yet can hear their phone going off half a mile away.
      X

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    3. SIF, I was once, loooooong ago, one of those annoying teens glaring malevolently at "old people" and talking/laughing/kicking seats without regard for fellow moviegoers. So it's only fair, I guess, that now I'm subjected to/annoyed by that very behavior! (And I may or may not have done that movie-hopping thing too!)

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  8. I never go to the "movies". But that would probably be because I am not a movie watcher. If I was a movie watcher, I would wait until they come out on DVD, and rent them.

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    1. That way, the only potentially annoying people you'd have to deal with are family members! Good approach!

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  9. The eaters annoy me as well. When I say "eaters", I really mean "people who feed like they haven't had a meal in weeks."
    There is nothing more annoying than the sound of people chomping away--when you're NOT.
    And where do these folks get the money to buy all this crap? They have feedbucket sized popcorns and candy bars as big as a friggin diving board. Who needs that much nourishment during a movie? (If it's an Adam Sandler flick, you'll lose your appetite anyway!)
    Also, close your mouth when you chow. My God, I've heard quieter packs of jackals!

    Great post Ms. Crankypants! You always brighten my day!

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    1. Awww, thanks, MOS! Likewise!

      I usually sneak my own food/water into the movies. But you're right: why do we feel compelled, suddenly, to be eating during a movie? I suspect some kind of conspiracy...but I'm too tired to figure out why.

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