A lot of you* have been wondering (a) where I've been; (b) why the hell you're still following a blog that is, like, NEVER updated; and (c) if I'm still doing the Swank Diet. Folks, I have answers to all of those excellent questions.
(a) Right here on my ass thinking I really, really need to post something.
(b) Okay, actually I don't have an answer for this one.
(c) YES! Yes, I am.
* Okay, just my sister.
To address (c), just the other night, my dear husband decided to make Sloppy Joes for dinner. Fortunately, I had purchased a ground-beef substitute (GBS) called Smart Ground VEGGIE PROTEIN CRUMBLES (VPC). You read that right, CRUMBLES. Sounds kind of fun, right? Wait, I think I have a picture:
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| You know when Wee Squeaky makes an appearance that things are bound to go badly. |
By now, my husband and I are old pros at the protein substitutes.
Tofurkey sausage? To-FASTIC sausage! Fake bacon? Fake Bac-OLICIOUS! You get the idea; I'll stop now. Anyway, back to the Sloppy Joes. I was fully prepared to, yes, enjoy this meal. Once you get used to the no-meat business, it's really not so bad. I never was a big meat eater anyway, and I still can eat fish and chicken breast, so for the rare meal when only a GBS will do, I'm okay with the tofu-ish stuff. BUT, I wasn't so foolish to think this might not turn out as spectacularly as I was hoping. So I grabbed Wee Squeaky and my camera to document the meal prep.
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| "Ha ha! This is going to SUCK!" |
The makers of the VPC are very clever. You don't get to see the, er, crumbles until you open the box. Then you notice what looks like a brain vacuum sealed into plastic. My first misgivings about this meal happened during this photo.
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Unsealing the brain crumbles. |
My husband was undeterred.
"Come on!" he urged cheerfully. "I'm sure it'll taste better than it looks!"
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| Okay, seriously, something about that stray crumble grossed me out. |
The hunk of brain/fake meat proved to be a bit...TOUGH. Husband worked valiantly to smash it into submission. While my husband was stabbing the VPC, I was alternately laughing and trying to avoid looking at what was now sizzling away in the pan. My eyes fell upon the box the VPC came in. I noticed THIS:
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| "Hungry for more?" Ummmm, no. |
The picture is a bit blurry, because at this point I was laughing pretty hard. Hungry for more, my ass! I'm not even hungry for THIS!
"Now, Ms. CrankyPants," you might be thinking. "Aren't you jumping the gun here? Didn't you just get through trumpeting about all the fake protein you are eating with relish?"
Yes, yes, I did. And I admit, when we added the tomato sauce, things did look better. See for yourselves:
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| "Ha ha! This is TOTALLY GOING TO SUCK!" |
Well, in spite of Wee Squeaky there next to the pan, I thought it looked edible. We loaded the...stuff onto our nicely toasted bread and added a delightful ear of corn. Just like ma used to make! Tell me this doesn't make your mouth water:
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Oops! Sorry, that's a piece of CAT POO on the carpet.
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| Deploying the TOFU SLOPPY JOES! |
So. The burning question that you already know the answer to: how'd they taste? See the CAT POO picture, above. Okay, not that bad. But...not so great, either. However, much like the fake sausage and fake bacon, it's just a matter of preparing it in such a way that it's surrounded by other, better-tasting stuff. Before you know it, I'll be extolling the virtues of VPC! But that night, I kind of felt like Capt. Nap, when he is hoping there's more to his dinner than the can of cat food he's just been given.
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"Surely you jest?"
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Ha ha! Can't really blame old Capt. Nap. At least we had corn.
p.s. YES, I know the font is a huge mess in this post. Something's funky with Blogger.
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My smaller portion refers to bean curd (and anything made from it) as bean turd. And he would ask why I had dropped my dinner on the carpet (see photo 7). And before you ask he does think he is very clever and very, very funny. Some one has to.
ReplyDeleteI have not found a meat substitute which masquerades as meat which I like. Tofu is fine (with decent marinades) but anything which proclaims 'Can't believe its not bacon!!!!' isn't. And I can't believe they thought they would get away with it.
So... a long comment which basically says I admire your persistence. A lot.
HAHAHA! Your husband shares my subtle and mature sense of humor.
DeleteThanks for admiring my persistence. I'm hoping it'll make a difference in the course of my MS. At least I'm keeping up w/ the diet, if not the blog so much...
I just eat vegetarian, when I am not eating chicken or fish. Sometimes I use legumes and lentils, but I can't stomach that tofu, textured protein glop. One of the best veg joes is from Rachael Ray.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/sloppy-veg-head-joe-recipe/index.html
Ooh, thanks! A promising alternative to the CRUMBLES.
DeleteTVP is icky. I, too, am partial to sloppy lentils: http://inthekeyoflife.typepad.com/in_the_key_of_life/the-best-sloppy-lentils-ever.html (I don't know those folks in the blog, but she reprinted the same recipe I use.)
ReplyDeleteYikes, as the self-proclaimed Acronym Queen, I'm embarrassed to not know TVP. Thanks for what sounds like another good alternative!
DeleteOkay.
ReplyDeleteI want the cat, but not the brain stuff!
You. Funny! Xxxx
Hmmm. How about you get the brain and I'll keep the good captain? I can sweeten the deal by adding an Air Supply mix tape...
Deletedo you do stand up when you're not making brains? HAaaaaaaaa xx
DeleteHa! While there are always LOADS of people begging me to, I just can't seem to find the time. Between making brains and photographing cat poo, my life is SUPER busy.
DeleteDuring K's Year of Vegetarianism, I became well-acquainted w. the crumbles. Surprisingly, the only place I could find them was Wal-Mart. Yes, WAL-Mart. She liked them just fine in spaghetti sauce & chili. Maybe it helped that she never had to deal with it raw, look at it, handle it etc...but only saw it in the mixed-in-with other ingredients stage. I might add she was also tremendously fond of bean burgers from Wegman's. Perhaps you should try them. She is certainly not my daughter when it comes to taste buds, is she!? MK
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm think that's the trick: hiding it in other stuff. You guys will never know what you're getting at Thanksgiving :)
DeleteWe like bean burgers too. And no, she's not your child. I demand a paternity test, or something!!
DeleteBlimey, that meal looks, um, lovely!!
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about switching to tofu, but am having second thoughts now, lol. No, honestly, it's very admirable that you have done this on our behalf. Especially liking Wee Squeaky's involvement!
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You go to Parliament, I eat fake meat and write about cat poo. We all play a vital role! Wee Squeaky is always pleased to make an appearance!
DeleteShame Wee Squeaky can't come to The Dorchester next month - he'd have a ball!!
ReplyDeletex
Oh, too bad! It'd be totes fab to have Wee Squeaky on an International Adventure. Maybe you can bring Wee Bubble?
DeleteOh, Wee Bubble has been replaced by Wee Dora. Long story!
ReplyDeleteHave been researching tofu recipes, ready to spring on The Teenager. Will he notice the difference????
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p.s. Parliament was veeeeery intimidating. Quite scary. You could almost smell the power, walking through the halls. Meh.
p.p.s. For anyone wondering what on earth I'm wittering on about, just google Saatchi Medical Innovation Bill - could just change the way we approach medicine and I was lucky enough to talk to Lord Saatchi directly about the implications for the treatment of MS :-)
Must see a picture of Wee Dora!!
DeleteWith enough distracting ingredients (cheese would be excellent, I think), he might never be the wiser.
I do hope the bill is passed! So impressed that you're a real MS advocate.
Tried to take a photo of her last night and all I got was a black blob with two teeny weeny green eyes, lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd yup, Stumbling was off to Parliament. Must spread the MS word!!
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WOW! So many comments & questions.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I worry about your husband holding a sharp knife!
Second, I think that stray crumble was trying to find its way out of the pan.
Glad to see you made it through. VERY funny account. Glad you are back!
Sock: I, too, worry about my husband and the knife.
DeleteYou are probably right about the stray crumble. It was trying to race me right out of that kitchen!
Thanks for the kind words; happy to be back!
Glad you are back....I like the tofu kind of food, but my hubs hates it. Good that your hubs wants to cook, it looked good to me
ReplyDeleteThanks! I am back...kind of. (Work...) Husband is a good cook, actually! Lucky me :)
DeleteI have a gag reflex that reacts to tofu in any form. I'm serious. Not joking one bit.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a rabid vegetarian, I had no problem trying to find a beef substitute because it never entered my mind that I wanted meat.
When raw broccoli put me in the hospital with crowns disease, I was thrown into the opposite food direction: NO MORE VEGGIES. My life has always been a system of "eat the right thing and suffer because of it"
Hi there! I am resisting the urge to make a joke about gagging/tofu.
DeleteWe're not giving up. We actually bought a different brand of CRUMBLES and are going to try them in something that's less "meat" focused, like chili. It's getting cool enough that that sounds more appealing.
Sorry to hear about the raw broccoli. It does seem as if you're being punished for being "good." Can you still eat fruit? Are you eating meat again? Diets are delightful...