Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Toilet Training (Cat Edition)

If you have a cat, you know this to be true: cleaning a litter box sucks. Tremendously. If you don't have a cat, you can say smugly to the dog panting at your feet, "Yep! Yet ANOTHER reason why I do not have a cat. Isn't that right, Spot? You don't make icky messes that Mommy has to clean out of a disgusting box in the house, do you? No you don't, little Smoochie Spottums!" Never mind that Smoochie Spottums makes messes that you are, in theory, supposed to collect in a little baggie attached to your hand. But wait! Before anyone gets up in arms, this is not a cats vs. dogs post. I've had the pleasure of sharing my life with both species, and each has its considerable charms. No, this is a post about How to Train Your Cat to Use a New, Exciting Type of Litter Box (alternate title: HAHAHAHAHA, Dumb Human).

I've had the distinct (sooooooo tempting to make a "stink" joke here) pleasure of scooping litter boxes for several years now. My cats are indoor only, so I can't thrust them into the neighbors' flower beds and hope they'll relieve themselves there. Not that I would want them to, mind you, that's just kind of what I picture outdoor cats doing. In case you did not know, there are several exciting choices when it comes to litter boxes. Allow me to illustrate:
Okay, sorry, this is NOT one of the exciting choices referred to above. It's a standard old litter box. It's to be used as a frame of reference as I get to the truly Exciting Choices.  
I don't know where I heard of Exciting Choice #1, THE LITTER KWITTER, but let me say I was immediately delighted by the enormously clever title. (I also love anything made with "krab" and all things sold in "shoppes.") So I ponied up the $50 in the hopes that, as promised on the box, I would soon  -- "EIGHT WEEKS OR LESS!" -- be smell, mess, and germ free!  (Well, technically, *I* might still be smelly and germy, but you know what I mean.)

That cat totally is like, "What the *(&$ are YOU looking at? Are you actually watching me go to the bathroom? What kind of a creep are you?! See my left paw? I am two seconds away from scratching out your creepy prying eyes!!!"
For $50, you don't get just the LITTER KWITTER, you also get a training DVD! My husband and I settled in eagerly to watch how this device would transform our cats from dull, ordinary litter-box-using cats into ultra-clever toilet-using cats. The way this little gem works in theory is through a system of rings placed at different training stages into a toilet-shaped bowl. Er, see, in Stage 1, you place the adorably toilet-shaped bowl on the floor, and insert the first of three rings. This stage is designed to get the cats used to going into the the bowl. A rather shallow bowl. A bowl that is far shallower than the good old-fashioned box they've been using. The cats and I didn't make it past Stage 1. (For the benefit of those who don't have cats: when cats do a wee or a poo, they bury it, sometimes with great vigor. A normal litter box, with its tall sides, contains forcefully buried "business" quite well. The LITTER KWITTER, with its stupid shallow bowl, does not.) I promptly kwit the kwitter.

Sadder but wiser, I resigned myself...OH, WAIT! No I didn't! Undeterred and, apparently, flush with cash (haha, "flush") I shelled out even more money for Exciting Choice #2 (haha, "#2"), the CAT GENIE. No silly rings and toilet training. No, sir! This system promised to be far superior. This setup has deep bowl (see "wiser," above) and, even better, attaches via some complicated-looking nonsense that I let my husband deal with to the plumbing. Instead of ordinary litter, you fill the bowl with washable granules that, after your cat has soiled them, are sifted and cleaned by some complicated-sounding process I didn't pay much attention to. All I cared about was that, in theory, the CAT GENIE would spare me the odious task of scooping once and for all.

This annoyed-looking cat that I suspect has been Photoshopped into the Cat Genie is not mine. This image is from the Cat Genie website. Wanna know why I can't use an original picture? Because mine won't get in it! 
Maybe it's called Cat "GENIE" because if there was a genie floating around, you'd have to waste (haha, "waste") one of your precious three wishes to get your cat to use this thing. As you can see from the picture above, even the creators couldn't find an actual cat that will get in it. At least they chose an irritated cat (note the flattened ears and frowny face) to Photoshop into the device. So that's pretty accurate.

My cats were both irritated and alarmed by the Cat Genie. I vaguely recall that the instructions say you shouldn't turn it on at first while they're in the room, but I ignored that and did a test wash while they peered around me curiously. Once that baby kicked in and started whirring and clacking, the cats tore away in a panic. So, technically, it's probably my fault that now, about a year later, only Capt. Nap will use it -- rarely. Squeaky avoids it altogether.

I refuse to give up hope, though. If I can get them to use it, life certainly would be easier. I've rededicated myself to "training" them, this time following the instructions to the letter. The results so far have been...not so encouraging. But it's been only a week. I know Capt. Nappy Sweetiekins and SqueakyWeekie Cutiepie can do it for Mommy! Can't you, my wittle kitties?

"Hey! Go away! Can't we have a little privacy? We're trying to go to the bathroom!"

24 comments:

  1. Another hilarious post!! MK

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    1. Thanks, MK! The hilarity continues around here, as I'm about to trek downstairs and do some scooping.

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  2. Good Luck with the litter box dramas...My daughter did get her cat to use the toilet with some kind of training for a little while...but I think it messed with the cats mind more than helped it??

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    1. Thanks, Kim. It's definitely...exciting. Yeah, the Litter Kwitter is supposed to get them to use the toilet, but I can see where it might be hard on the cat. I mean, what if you move? Do you have to start over? Aaaagh, the joys of litter boxes!

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  3. Too funny Ms.CP! Stoop and scoop is all you can do, as a cat or dog owner.

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    1. Gah! Karen, I hope to put an end to that...sometime (PLEASE). I'm a "litter box half full" kind of person, I guess. Speaking of...

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  4. Yours is a much more dignified kitty-litter post than mine was. Sigh. The best we have managed it to get the little dears to use the covered boxes (once we removed the swinging doors). Scooping and detruffelating is still a daily chore. And, one cat in particular, (yes it is Jazz) can throw kitty litter considerable distances even from within the covered tray. Sigh. So detruffelating, and sweeping. Fun.
    If your cat uses the toilet, what do they do if they trot in to use the convenience, and find you in situ? I suspect they leap into your lap and fire away regardless. Aren't you glad you didn't succeed in teaching them?

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    1. If a post on litter boxes can be dignified (questionable), I thank you. I thoroughly enjoyed yours -- the pictures were quite funny. No need for droning on as I did above.

      Excellent point about lap leaping/firing away. You are right -- it is lucky indeed they were not teachable!

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  5. OMG. A Litter Kwitter? WHY is this not available in the UK?? I demand to know. I'd just love to see my cat Bubble on this - hours of hilarity guaranteed.
    She has just, yet again, woken up, poked around outside, biffed another cat in the face, come in and used her litter tray. We are surrounded by greenery. Meh.
    Really, really funny post, set me up for the day.
    X
    p.s. please send Litter Kwitter at your quickest convenience....

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    1. Stumbling,

      Apparently, we Americans are extremely talented in coming up with useless devices that other Americans will pay huge amounts of money for. That said, for $45 ($5 off what I paid!), I'll send you the Litter Kwitter in a trice. Oh, don't forget shipping/handling fees, as well as a cleaning fee. You can choose from two cleaning options: Half-Assed for $5 or Relatively Thorough for $15. (I'm more experienced with Half-Assed cleaning, as you might expect.)

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  6. I love the names of these devices. "Cat Genie"..."Litter Kwitter", I suppose it would have been rude to call it the "Kitter Sh**er!"

    Good luck in your quest to find the right potty system!

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    1. MOS, I like your name much, much better. I was calling it all kinds of rude names when it failed it its, er, duties. (hee hee)

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  7. Maybe she can just keep using her simple tray, lol. Just told The Teenager about the Litter Kwitter in the car on the way to rugby. I'm convinced he thinks I'm going mad.
    Did I tell you my builder friend has a cat called Vegas? Probably the ugliest cat in the world (TM), but takes a remarkably good photography. Most perplexing.
    X

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    1. That IS perplexing! Love the name, though. So...cool.

      p.s. This time I didn't notice the error; I'm slipping!

      p.p.s. Don't all teenagers think their parents are mad?

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    2. Probably! The teenager looks at me with a mixture of pity and indifference. Until he asks for money - cue full-on begging.
      The builder and I went to Vegas a couple of years ago and it was his first time in America. He had a ball, even throwing himself out a plane. Thankfully with a parachute attached. Hence the cat named in the city's honour. What happens in Vegas and all that...
      X

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  8. Photograph. I obviously meant photograph. Meh. X

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  9. When Steve the kitten entered our lives, we had to add yet another litter box. We now have 4. One of them has to be carried downstairs to be changed. I feel your desperation. I'd almost been hoping there might be a way to train Steve--he loves to watch the toilet be flushed! But I suspect if I wanted him to actually squat over it and go, he wouldn't.

    Although we once had a Siamese who, it turned out, used to squat over the kitchen sink drain to do her business when we weren't around. I discovered this bleary-eyed at 4am one day as I came down unexpectedly for a drink. And in Lila's last year of life, she would only do her business in the bathtub. I suppose it was better than the bath rug.

    Speaking of such... it's time to go clean the litter boxes! Ugh. Oh... and speaking of rugs... of course, after Steve the kitten moved in and the extra litter box got added, one (or both) of the other boys decided he'd rather use the living room rug. I'm buying "special cat formula" enzyme cleaner for urine in gallon jugs. :-(

    But thanks for sharing your Litter Kwitter experience. I'd always wondered if those things actually worked for anyone. (Yeah... we Americans and our gadgets!)

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    1. Oh my goodness, I can't imagine hauling a litter box up and down stairs to change it. How do you avoid the (what seems to me) inevitable trip & fall? I'm just picturing the contents of a litter box flying down the stairs. UGH and UGH!!

      Too funny about Steve watching the flushing; Capt. Nap also finds the sight of a toilet flushing to be mighty engaging. He'll come galloping in for the spectacle.

      I am speechless at hearing about the sink episode! That must've woken you up right quick!!

      Always happy to share my ridiculous experiences for people to enjoy. Thanks for reading and commenting!!

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    2. You'll never believe this. Our big black and white cat, Dominic, was seen using the toilet the other day. The boxes were dirty. He was not pleased. My husband was in the bathroom. Dom pushed his way in, hopped on the throne and peed right into the toilet! It was simultaneous--he'd never been shown to do that. I guess he's smarter than we'd thought.

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    3. WOW! That is amazing. How on earth did he figure that out, I wonder??

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    4. We have no idea. But we're quite impressed. We didn't think he was that smart. Now, of course, when we try to get him to do it again...

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    5. Haha! I'll be very interested to know if he ever repeats it!

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  10. Hysterical post! We humans should know the cats control US and will do what they damn please. I love that ad where a great dane is using a toilet---PLEASE. hahahahaha

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    1. Ooh, I'll have to google the great dane ad. And, yes, you are so right: cats control us.

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